The Shade Under the Umbrella

Balancing Acts.

2009-12-24T14:28:00.000-08:00

Hello.

So;; I Had A Bad Day.

Today's song is The Kill by 30 Seconds To Mars.

I kinda woke up on the wrong side of the Sofa this morning.
To be fair, there is only one side I could possibly wake up on, but that's not important.

A bunch of things happened and I was extremely annoyed. Things got me thinking.

I can't do the whole together-all-the-time family thing. As much as I'd love to be able to deal with it, I get too wound up too easily. But at the same time, I can't distance myself for so long from them either. Or my friends.

So what to do?

This whole gap year idea could seriously work. Not only would it sort my head out, but the experience is pretty much once in a lifetime and the benefits are endless, from work prospectives to new outlooks on life in general.

My only issue is whether I would be able to stand a whole year away from so many of the people I ordinarily couldn't function without and vain as it sounds, in return couldn't function without me.

Do the pros out-weigh the cons?

Here's the other thing. What if I want to stay? What if something unexpected happens and I basically go against everything I started out on? Am I physically and emotionally prepared for that change? Probably not. Am I willing to accept it? Not at present.

Could I do it? Are there more options?

Another thing though. Should I decide to do the gap year, I think I would like to keep it as low-key as possible. Sure, people will talk, but there will be certain expectations. For example, I would be expected to visit my dad at least once...or he would visit me. Could I handle that, especially without my brother for support? No chance.

Maybe I'm overthinking the whole predicament, but hey, that's my thing ain't it?

I'm leaving tomorrow and I shall ask the others what they think. I already know what they'll say.

Signing Out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Deserted Desires.

2009-12-19T03:25:00.000-08:00

Soul Sound - The Sound of the Desert City.

Hello there.

I am in the Middle East.
Abu Dhabi to be exact.

I'm also 18 today. Hip hip hooray.

After considerable persuasion, I attended a "Desert Safari" yesterday which included something called Wadi Bashing. Wadi Bashing basically means driving up sand dunes and driving down into them in a rather rollercoaster like manner.

Strangely enough, I found it extremely soothing. The past few days, I have wanted to blog something of my travels in the least, but I couldn't find the words to put down. Something about the desert air last night pushed me to blog.

It gave me time to consider what I wanted to do with the next stage in my life. I'm 18 now, UCAS applcations sent, college concerned with my lack of focus and presence, so it's only right that I have some sort of idea of what I want to do next. For years now, although it has changed many times, I knew exactly what I wanted, when I wanted it and even how I was going to get it. It seems that now that I have the opportunity to do any of these things, I am completely baffled. No, I am not spoiled for choice. I am just unsure.

It has been suggested that I should take a gap year and maybe within that year, move out here. Hm, could I? Would I?

So much to figure out.

Avatar was amazing.

Signing Out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Brick By Fucking Brick.

2009-11-24T17:10:00.000-08:00

Soul Sound - Brick By Boring Brick by Paramore

ARRRRGHHHH.

I believe that is the first time I have net-screamed on here.
Bloody hell.

I don't even know where this has all come from. There has been heaps of good things between the last post and this one, but for some reason I didn't feel I should be blogging them.
For example, I have new friends. New sisters. Yippee. To be perfectly honest, I feel more at home with these people than with people I've known my whole life. That has to mean something bad is coming. Nothing is all good. Ever.

*Breathes*

I suppose, in the process of making these new friends, I seem to have lost a few of the old ones. Is this so bad? I don't know yet. I just feel like screaming all the time.

Of course I have to have a soar throat about now. Hence the net-scream.

I can't deal with college anymore. I seriously can't. I know there's only a few months left to go, but then there's just this gap before University, yet another thing I can't deal with. I am so over the education system and it's mostly because it doesn't seem to be about the education anymore.

Turns out all the skeletons in my closet are actually zombies and they've decided to dance around me. Maybe it's the effect of MJ dying. Maybe it's totally inrelated and I'm just typing absolute rubbish. I'm going to go with the latter.

What the heck.

I've switched to Slowdancing.in.A.Burning.Room by John Mayer. What a song.

SABR. Patience. Irony.

What am I actually doing with my life?
Like, seriously?
Why don't set people just stay buried in the back of my mind? Just as soon as I start to forget about them, they have to pop up and then disappear just as suddenly as they came. Wht the heck.

My Immortal. Evanescence. This certainly is rather Amy Lee-esque.

What I have come to realise about myself is that I fall too hard to fast and mostly for the wrong people. People who aren't going to be there when I look back. People who have motives for befriending me that I will never figure out.

And now who's left? If they don't go of their own accord, I seem to push them away eventually.

What the heck.

Oh I don't know what I'm doing. I have a test in a few hours that I am not at all prepared for. I am ill anyway, but I have to go in because it seems I am the one who must do everything. Then they come, they take credit, they take advantage, they somehow manage to take control.

I let myself get walked over.

I am not as strong as I would like to think I am. You know, I've had so many thoughts as to what I should be doing next. Should I drop out and focus on my health? Should I finish the year and reserve all summer for my health? Should I take a gap year?

I don't know.
Is any of it worth it anyway?

I need a holiday.
I have a holiday in a few weeks.
But I need to make my decision like now.

Why is the medium so hard?
Extremes are relatively easy once you're there, they're just hard to get to.
But the medium? Not only is a struggle to get to from an extreme, but it is a struggle to maintain.

I'm going to go to bed now. I wont sleep though.
I don't think I can.

Signing Out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

...and then she cried.

2009-11-01T15:13:00.000-08:00

Hello my pretties.

Today's theme song is Slow Dancing In A Burning Room - John Mayer

What a beautiful song.

Women, by nature are generally quite emotional. They have the ability to over-analyse pretty much everything and although this can come in handy, more often than not, it just drives them insane. Drives me insane.
We are irrational and erratic. By we, I mean I.

I'm not actually sure what I'm getting at here. I just felt the need to mention these things. This wave of sadness and anxiety has just blown over me and I am not at all sure where it's come from.

One thing is for sure, I hate college. I cannot deal with it anymore. It deppresses me. I suppose that it's all been leading towards this, the past few months. I can distract myself by keeping busy, but when it ends, I'm going to feel empty. Empty like I did towards the end of last year. Empty like I was when I stopped going to my lessons and tried to fill my time with Starbucks and new clothes.

It's times like these that I could use somebody, but of course it's times like these that I feel as if there is nobody available to me. No one who could be of some help, anyway.

I will be another person who could have accomplished so much, but just never pushed herself enough. Another one who was just short of everything. I am going to be yet another sad story.
They will sometimes remember me and they will tell my story. Throughout, they will shake their heads and at the end, there will be a moment of silence. A moment of silence where they can gather their thoughts on the matter and somehow relate it to something else, so as to move on from the subject.

These are random ramblings from an almost not 17 year old girl. I think, at heart, I will be 17 always, no matter how big my 18th birthday celebration is.

Signing Out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

...And then she cried.

Deja Vu.

2009-10-22T18:55:00.000-07:00

So, this wont be pretty my pretties.

The song of the moment is Feels Like Saving The World - Outlandish

I really don't know what to say.
I suppose mosque is a good place to start.
Those who know this story laugh at me, but when I was a lot younger, I was in a sort of fight at mosque. There was a girl who was basically hated by everyone and I happened to be sat next to her. She was running her mouth and I was just sick of it. So I stood up to her. She told me she'd slap me and I said go on then. She hesitated, but then she slapped me. The impact of her hand on my face sent me backwards, but I popped up again and asked her if she was done. She wasn't and she slapped me again. I responded with "Go on, hit me again."
Now, I don't know what I was doing in all honesty. Afterwards, I was crying to my teacher about it. I was a kid and she was like 4 years older than me. But I don't know why I egged her on. The reason I bring this up is because I've not changed.

Time and time again, I get slapped in the face and at the time, it doesn't phase me. I keep asking for more, I don't protect myself. I do the opposite. I put myself in harms way, for some odd reason. Later on, when I realise, I cry about it, but then eventually I'll do it all over again.

Such is the situation with my health. Be it stubborness, lazyness or absent mindedness, I don't take my medication. It's at a point where doctors are throwing all sorts of numbers at me. I'm literally on the brink of Diabetes and Heart failure. Today I was slapped in the face. I was slapped in the face with the prospect of my own death. It was so real to me today - I have so many aspirations and I probably wont live to see any of them through.
So I cried.
I'm crying.

Now, I'm on it. I'm going to take my medication. But how long until I need to be slapped again?

I cannot do this anymore. Frankly, it's shit. The whole ordeal. I can try to busy myself with events and auditions and writing competitions to get a leg up in a world I'm never going to make it to, but when it comes down to it all, it's just a distraction. It's a distraction from reality.

The reality is, I have to fight. The reality is, I am no soldier. The reality is, eventually, I will lose this battle. The reality is, eventually, I'm going to die.

So why can't I push myself to prepare for my death?

Signing Out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Don't Follow Me;; I Don't Know Where I'm Going.

2009-10-05T13:17:00.000-07:00

Don't Follow Me;; I Don't Know Where I'm Going.

Today's Theme Song is going to have to be Misguided Ghosts - Paramore.

Man;; their new album is rather amazing.

I have been so paranoid recently. There's something about college that does that to you. Or maybe just me. Probably just me. It's like, there's a whole new lot of people around now, more people to watch, to judge. It a whole new lot of people I somehow have to convince to like me. I say I don't care and I'd love for that to be true, but it really isn't.

I'm that person who wants to be okay with everyone. I'm that person who doesn't join a clique, because she's running after all of them, trying to fit in. The only thing is, in my effort to fit in, I seem to stand out more. I stand out for the wrong reasons.

I would love to stand out because I was worthy of some sort of status or recognition. Because I've done something worth standing out for. Like looking the way I want to look, doing things I want to do...like the magazine, the career, the family. Showing people the parts of me I want to show them...rather than them all knowing, watching, judging.

It's not a very pleasant feeling, you must know. It's as if I am paralysed, behind glass. No one thinks I hear, no one thinks I notice, but I do. I just can't do anything about it. Eventually, just knowing kills me.

"Now I'm Told That This Is Life;; && Pain Is Just A Simple Compromise...So We Can Get What We Want Out Of It..."
Paramore

Ah;; what a randomly depressing post. You know, I'm not depressed, despite the way this turned out. I'm actually pretty okay, believe me. Bored, but okay. But let's not get into that again, this post is negative enough.

Signing Out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Writers Block

2009-09-20T16:20:00.000-07:00

My Lovelies.

Today's song is Infatuation by Christina Aguilera.

I'm not quite sure what to write today, but I feel as if I should as it is the end of Ramadhan now and also Eid. Hm, what to say?

Well for one, Eid was rather lovely, despite certain occurrences. Car journeys were fun. Man;; I feel like a woman. Wink, Wink.

Irrelevant to everything, I feel I should say what's on my mind. Lost in thought a moment ago, it came to me. I'm bored. I miss stupid, mushy, hell-raising, heart-pumping, tear-jerking, beautifully tragic crushes. It's been a while since the hole in my stomach was full from whoever happened to be on my mind the most. Friends, family...they don't fill that hole. I'm not sure why they don't. It'd be lovely yo think that they could. But no.

I do wonder however, once I am married, will the hole be full of my husband? Or does he get his own place in me, with his own little door mat and chimney? Or, it's possible the hole simply vanishes. That could account for the bitterness divorcees tend to wear so proudly.

Hmph. I guess I shall just have to wait and see.

Wild Times So Far Behind.

2009-09-09T16:15:00.000-07:00

Zombie - The Pretty Reckless

Wow;; new song idea.
Too bad it's for a song I'm not supposed to be writing. Ugh.

I don't really know what to tell you, my lovelies.
I am, it seems, extremely dissatisfied with my life. This is something that I should really expect to be saying in maybe 20 years, so why now?

Because, like many people in their 30s, I feel as if I have no control over my life. A mid-life crisis is the attempt to regain control of one's life. More often then not, control never escaped. Really, people follow the path they lay out for themselves and simply grew used to it. They had control the whole time, they just subconciously chose not to use their power. As a result, they have a mid-life crisis, which is when everything that has built up inside of them simply explodes, leaving a mess of sports cars, affairs and bad decisions. Such is the way we live in the west.

I am far to young to have a mid-life crisis. So what do I do? I know I have control, it's just I cannot seem to push myself to use it. I don't steer anymore. I just keep my foot on the acelerator. Keep going forward.

But I must let go, I should just let go...
To quote myself.

Well this was a short one.
Signing Off,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Architcture;; Interior Design && Remodeling.

2009-08-25T18:12:00.000-07:00

SkullCandy in my ears;; my lovelies.
Sound so sweet.

The song is the rediscovered "Nothin' Left To Do" by Outlandish.

A fair amount of time has passed since I last shared with you my thoughts. It's not because there were no thoughts to be recorded, but rather there were no moments that I thought to share them.

Sometimes I wonder if some of my thoughts should be published, if it's healthy for myself to get them out or if it serves any positive purpose to have them recieved by whoever happens to stumble upon them.

I am not a wise mind, wanting to share my wisdom and experience with the world. I am in fact a weak individual, hoping to gain some sort of clarity by keeping my words flowing. I am a relatively normal girl in an beautifully oxymoronic world.

There is, no doubt, a specific design about life as we know it. Although it functions rather well;; it's beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Naturally, we all have our opinions and suggestions, be they local or worldwide.

For example, some venture to change the world as a whole and some simply wish to remodel themselves.

Once upon a time, I wanted to change the world. I wanted to make an impact, make a name for myself among the billions of unknowns out there. Things have changed considerably for me now though. You see;; now I wish to make an impact and a name for myself among the extremely small percentage of the Earth's population that I am closely aquainted with.

Now, I just want my family to recognise me as successful. I want them to see me the way I can't seem to see myself. I want the support and faith I know I'll never get unless I earn it. The problem is, I can't seem to earn it without it. My own determination is not enough to push me.

Instead, I allow small things to distract me from what I try for. Instead, I allow small thoughts grow into doubts. Doubts that swallow me inside, until I quit altogether, letting everyone down once again. But that's what they expected, right?

I have dreams, goals and aims. But is it likely I'll ever achieve? Not really. Not if I keep on like I am.
This is my design. I do not like how I am built, how I've developed. It's time for a remodel. For a redecorating. Is this the month to bring it?

It's supposed to be. So far, I feel like I'm going backwards.

Signing Out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

This Thing We Call Life.

2009-08-06T16:50:00.000-07:00

&& today class, the theme song is Disco by Metro Station.

Do you know, she's dancing at the disco? She's dying on the dancefloor.

Hello m'dearies.

Why do we always want what we cannot have?
And if we are ever to get it, we don't want it as much anymore, because we kind of liked the chase, when it all comes down to it. We also got used to the heartbreak, the let downs.

You know she's dying, but still she craves more.

We can pretend like things are okay, we can go to the disco and front a smile. We can dance to build a wall around us. Or we can drink or get high. It's our way of escaping what's happening, but we're trying to escape the problems we sub-conciously created for ourselves and keep creating for ourselves.

This is our process. This is what we call life. The things we do to ourselves, which we don't take the blame for, we call it life. Because we like it that way. We're used to it that way. We settled like that.

It's what we see on tv. It's what we see all around us. It is normal for a middle aged man to go to a pub and drink away his conscience. Why is that? Why is that something that has become acceptable? Why are drugs that do the exact same thing illegal? Not that it matters because even the fact that they're illegal doesn't make it taboo. Drugs are accepted. Alcohol is accepted. Our methods of keeping ourselves down are all accepted.

We thrive off pain. Here in the west, where we're so lucky to have what we do, we thrive off our own steady downfall. I think that it's sad. I think what's sadder is that I am yet another pawn to this way of living.

Rather sad, I must say.

Signing Off,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Chipped Nail Polish.

2009-08-02T11:48:00.000-07:00

Ahoy There;; Me Hearties.

Still on Vegas Skies by The Cab. My;; what a beautiful song.

To pick up where I left off in the last post-

Is it better to lose yourself, or to lose those you love?

It's a difficult question to answer, and I suppose there is not black and white, right or wrong answer. I guess it depends on situation and circumstance.

I am a person who does not like lies. When I say this, I mean that I cannot stand them. Yes, there are sometimes reasons for lying which may seem justified at the time, but as I said before, things change. Things become more complicated.

Lies tend to provoke this snowball effect, meaning that when you tell one lie, sooner or later it multiplies. When this happens, not only is sit harder to keep up, but also, the line between reality and the lie that you have created becomes blurred. You yourself are not sure which parts of it all are truth and which parts are lies. This, needless to say, certainly complicates things.

I bring up the issue of lies to demonstrate to you, my beloveds, my hyprocrisy. You see, I do now realise that it's better to live the lie. I know that'll it will all blow up eventually, but I'm done planning and being weary. It's too much to try and predict what may happen for the cause of prevention.

The time is always right.

Because, when it does all blow up in my face, there will be another way to fix that. If nothing else, time only makes way for more options.

I can't go my own way. I've realised that I am physically incapable of living my personal fairytale life if it will hurt someone for me to do so. I have to bend. I have to make excuses. I have to compromise. Also, sometimes, I have to lie.

Then I have to accept and make do.
As do we all.

Signing Out,

That Emerald Umbrealla

Fallen.

2009-07-26T14:30:00.000-07:00

Song today?
Vegas Skies - The Cab

Falling into the gap between all the different pieces of yourself isn't hard.

When you're being different people, it's hard to keep up the act. So it's only natural that eventually, your act will be up. That when you lose purpose;; that's when you lose yourself.
Sometimes, we keep the pretence going for so long, we start to believe in it ourselves. So when it all falls down? Well, we fall down.

How to avoid this, I don't know. I guess it just happens sometimes. Maybe somehow, we need to learn when to drop the act, because Lord knows, it wont last forever.

Everything fades. Eventually. Because death is what makes life && vice versa, of course. Balance is needed for the word to function, lesson number one, to reference Mulan 2.

I suppose, we must become one with ourselves. We must accept who we are, rather than basing ourselves on the preferences of those around us. Yeah, we'll lose people. That's where you have to decide:

Is it better to lose yourself, or to lose those you love?

I guess I'd rather lose myself. At least that way, I'm the only one that's effected.

Keep living the lies.

Signing Out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

No Music;; Part II

2009-07-07T18:35:00.000-07:00

New meaning.

***No Music;; Part I***

"...And we cannot understand the whispering because our minds have been invaded by war. A war that we have won and lost. The worst sort of war. A war that captures dreams and re-dreams them. A war that has made us adore our conquerors and despise ourselves.
We're Prisoners of War. Our dreams have been doctored. We belong nowhere. We sail unanchored on troubled seas. We may never be allowed ashore. Our sorrows will never be sad enough. Our joys never happy enough. Our dreams never big enough. Our lives never important enough. To matter."

The God Of Small Things, Arundhati Roy

Gosh;; what is it about those words that haunt me so much?

Love. Lust. Infatuation. Whatever it is. That's what these words say to me. We're warned and advised against things, but we can't listen because all we can think about is that person and how we feel. It's an amazing and unique feeling, but it is one that brings both pleasure and pain. It changes everything. We want different things, because of the rose tinted glasses love places on us. We see and hear and feel different things, we are different people. But we don't recognise that person as the one who did this to us. Instead, we blame ourselves. What's wrong with us? Why should they not feel the same? Why would they do such a thing? It must be our fault. We must deserve it somehow. So we drift through life, stopping nowhere to be allowed back down to Earth. Nothing could ever make us feel worse then we do in love, but nothing could ever make us feel happier. But it doesn't matter. Who are we to the universe, or to them? No one.

Love is war, but it's also peace. Love is change, but is somehow familiar. Love is vile, but somehow beautiful. Love means there can also be indifference. Love is the reason the world is so screwed up, because people either love too much, or not enough.

We don't know when it will end. We don't know when we'll stop being such naive little girls, waiting for their fairytale ending, when it's quite clear that we are no princesses and there are no such things as Prince Charmings. I suppose, we'll always have tiny parts of us hoping things might just end up the way that they were supposed to in our heads, but realistically, things don't work like that.
In life, you are pushed and pulled, tested and played with and eventually you get so used to the heartbreak and the let downs, you become an adult. That's when you no longer believe in fairies, you begin to hate the rain and your life becomes a routine.
We want that to escape the heartbreak and the let downs. Sure, they'll still occur, that's what life's about, but when you're an adult, you're kind of immune to it. You hope less and it cushions the fall. Or so it seems.

We just want to stop being tested. Just please stop leading us on because we cannot take it anymore.

Signing Off,

That Bloody Emerald Umbrella X

Move Along && Sing A New Song

2009-07-01T16:21:00.000-07:00

Hello there;; fancy meetin' you here!

Music? Through Glass - Stone Sour.

Well;; it's safe to say, I think, I've just about survived my first year of college. Wow. Who would've thought it'd be done that quickly? Not me. I mean, I knew it would move fast, but not that fast.
What have I accomplished in the past year? Very little...but in a way, so much.
Once, I might've said that I thought that I'd grown up a bit but to be honest with you, I don't think I have. I mean, not in any way but physical. The very fact that I'm analysing it shows that I've not grown up at all.
But anyway, who cares? Life's not about growing up. At least, not in the sense of the word many kids my age see. I know that I think differently then I did this time last year. Maybe not a radical difference, but I've changed my mind about a lot of things I never thought I would. Like for example, University and my future.
Hey, there's something I would call an accomplishment. Self-realisation. I mean, people who know me know that I can be really stubborn. I always think I'm right. I mean, when I realise I'm wrong, I do admit to it, but it takes a while for me to realise it. I knew what I wanted to do with my life and where I wanted to go, who I wanted around me. I was so sure that I'd stick to that but a few months have change everything.
However, people that know me also know that I live in this cycle. For example, last year I thought I wanted to go away for University and I was sure of it. This year I want to go to Salford and live on campus and I'm sure of it. Well, that's the example.
What's changed is, over the past few months, I've had a lot of time to study myself. I'm not making and decisions set in stone, I'm just going to see how things go. Now, I think I know myself a little more than I did before. But, with this new found knowledge I have of myself, I also know that it's likely I will contradict this post somewhere down the line. To quote one of my favourite movies,

"Oh, the cleverness of me!"

The fan I'm sat infront of has dried my fringe in the wrong direction. Wonderful.
It is, I'm regret to say, the summer again, my pretties. Ah, what a nuisance of a season the summer is. I mean, I love the time off (most of the time) and the weather is nice (when it's not hot) and yeah, I'm not a big fan of the summer.
However, Mancunion summers have a habit of bringing the little people such treats as rain on a hot day and rainbows of course, all of which I approve of greatly.
Now though, I have another reason to look forward to the summer. Yesterday, on July the 1st, I became an Aunty for the first time. My neice (wow I love saying that) would be the first of the next generation of children in our family and I'm absolutely thrilled. I was actually in tears when I heard of her arrival. She is a gorgeous little thing and I cannot wait to hold her.

Signing Out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Respectable, Regretable && Of Course Acceptable.

2009-06-22T11:02:00.000-07:00

Themetune;; The Veronicas - Untouched

Just a thought -
Why is it deemed acceptable to possess && wear pants with a cupcake motif, for example, on them, during the bed hours, yet if I was to walk out of the house dressed as I was now, I would definately get some looks.
I mean, I suppose cupcake prints aren't exactly "in season", but who cares? It's whatever makes you feel and look good, right? Personally, I think I look rather fetching in my blue fleece pants with the smiling cupcake print.

Fashion [fash-uhn]

1.	a prevailing custom or style of dress, etiquette, socializing, etc.: the latest fashion in dresses.

2.	conventional usage in dress, manners, etc., esp. of polite society, or conformity to it: the dictates of fashion; to be out of fashion.

Conformity, etiquette, conventional? Hmm. One day, it will be in season.

Anyway, it's over. I think it's finally over. This whole tennis match of a relationship between to friends of mine, has come to a close. I think it was a draw...yeah, must have been a draw. But still, just over a year. That's such a long time...but it seems to be getting shorter the older I get...these days a year seems like nothing. Each day whizzes by...not because we're having fun, in fact, nothing in particular seems to happen anymore. Actually, I'm not sure why they seem to pass so quickly. I think it's a warning of some sort. I should really act upon it.
With things like my friend's relationship becoming the norm && so suddenly being over, it makes me wonder what's in store for us all. I mean, they aren't the only ones with news. It's done with me also. I've just shelved the latest edition of the story of my life, which not surprisingly is rather similar to it predecessors. Perhaps though, it is the longest...so far. Let's hope it is the last in the saga, hey?
However, now I'm done with that last chapter, there's not much for me to pass the time with. Perhaps that is why I can relate to "Untouched". Though, in a way, it's my ability to relate to the song that has passed along with the last chapter. I could possibly be reminiscing subconciously? Yeah, knowing me, that's probably what I'm doing. I mean, I've come to realise that I am never truely over anything.

Something I've noticed recently. I live very much in my head in recent times. So much so, I fail to diffrenciate sometimes between reality && my imagination && thoughts. For example, sometimes I say things I was thinking or picturing, and other times I've answered someone in my head, thinking I'd said it aloud.
Some of my friends are aware of the fact that I tend to get slightly lost in my imagination at the strangest times. I go into a sort of daze && sometimes when I'm back, I am not aware of how long I was gone for or what happened in the time I was gone. For example, one time I was gone for a minute, with my friend saying my name repeatedly throughout, but when I was back, I didn't realise I'd gone anywhere. It's not scary though, not yet. Right now, it's still funny.

I've decided I want to make my mark on the world. What I haven't figured out yet, is how exactly I plan to do that. Something I should think over.

Goodbye my pretties, I hope I didn't bore you with my update.

Signing Off,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Do Somethin' Crazy.

2009-06-10T15:30:00.000-07:00

Song Of The Moment - I Love College - Asher Roth

Yeah, ok. Don't judge my song choice...it's awesome.
Gosh...if only.

That is how we should all be. Just like "Yeah wouldn't it be cool to do that" && then just do it.

Do . Somethin' . Crazy

That, my pretties, is your assignment for today.

We're young. Now is the time to be stupid && crazy && to make mistakes...so we know for the future...but also so we can get it out our systems && say "Yeah, we did that."
In such a rush to grow up. Do the craziest stupidest thing you can think of RIGHT NOW.
If it's such a mission for you to do this...where are you letting your youth go?!?!

Just . Do . It

I do love college right now though...as in actual college, not university. It's just...easy. Not just easy work, but like easy going.

Gosh, that's all I can say right now.

Be back soon my lovelies.

Signing Off,

That Emerald Umbrella.

Hands.

2009-05-28T19:30:00.000-07:00

Taylor Swift - Forever && Always

Hands.
Those of you reading this who actually know me, may be aware of the fact that hands do scare me.

They have this power, hands do, the power to do so many things. Not only are they capable of wrapping themselves around the neck of another human being, but they are also quite capable of supporting the head of an innocent, new born baby. In addition to this, according to Islam, they are capable of testifying against you, relating back to all those things they have done.

On less of an extreme level, hands can stumble across bad news, clicking && browsing && scrolling. My own hands have assisted me in discovering a number of ill truths.
There was the discovery of public information that in retrospect, I wish I somehow managed to never stumble across.

There was the discovery of something quite personal...self realisation. My hands have helped me realise that I am quite inadequate in comparison to so many others in a number of areas. I'm never the best, never the greatest, never the first. Always just short.
Actually, that's not true. In some cases, it does seem I was the first...that was yet another ill truth though.

Then there was the sad && sick things that I have used my hands for. The dialing, the texting, the typing, the writing.
So many mistakes.
So many mistakes that have brought me to sit here today, still hung up on the thought of ever doing those things.
But all the same, so many mistakes which shall always remain mistakes.
There is never accomplishment, only almosts. There is no spotlight on me, rather, it's near me. Sometimes.

There is the skipping and playing. The lingering on songs which are no good for me. Like the one I'm listening to now. Only, Fast Car isn't working this time. I'm not running. I can't run anymore...I've given up on that. I realised last time...it makes no difference.

I've been thinking recently. What of loneliness? I look at certain people && I can't help but wonder how they cope...maybe it's because they've had a taste at togetherness? Maybe that's how they cope? I don't know...I do know that I don't think I could ever do it.

I am no daydreamer. I don't believe. I imagine, but cannot believe.

I hate my hands. I examine them in disgust...I don't like the way they look, their history or what I see for them in the future. They wont leave any fingerprints.
It looks like I'm back to my old tricks.

Signing Off,

That Emerald Umbrella X

La Secreto Acro Iris De Vida

2009-05-25T23:14:00.001-07:00

Lil' Wayne ft Robin Thicke - Tie My Hands

What a song. *sighs*

Well, well, my pretties. I don't seem to be in much of the blogging spirit these days it seems. Gosh. But no, I refuse to let this one end like the last. We shall prevail. I hope.

What's life?

[No, not as heavy a question as one might think.]

La vida, mi chiquillos, es muy simple.

The key to life is to simply live. I told you it was simple.

Let me elaborate.

Take what comes and live on. There's no time to mourn, or set right any mistakes, so don't make them in the first place.

[Yes, I realise it's rather hard to not make mistakes, but the idea is, if you're careful enough to not make them, when you do make them it's likely they wont be that bad and they will be very few in number.]

Just do you. Find you, do you. Forget everyone and everything else. If you are who you're supposed to be, then essentially, everything is going to plan and therefore no one can complain.
I did say forget everyone and everything else. As in, don't let them phase you and don't you dare try and phase anyone else. Do not interfere.
This is officially a golden rule, one which I struggle with myself.

Do Not Interfere.

Don't interfere with other people, other systems, with nature, with processes or businesses or life itself. Not when you're not involved. It only ever complicates things. Trust me, I know.

I did say it was simple, you know. It really is. But we, as modern people, we are complicated. We don't have to be, we just are. Unnecessary things such as politics have completely massacred so many of us. No, I'm not simply referring to America.
I'm talking also about family politics, friend politics, work politics etc. It's so unnecessary.

Universalised values seem to be the way forward.

Well, that was a rather silly way of putting it, considering we are too curious and adventurous and essentially fearful of changing our nature.
Sure, American laws could be universalised, but how would that go down? At first, not well I imagine. We already have had our taste at freedom...why ever would anyone want to give that up?

I'm not quite sure where this came from actually.
The little voice in the back of my head told me to do it.
I didn't even realise this stuff until I'd typed it out.
Hm, I wonder what else is in my head...

That blue is a lovely colour.

Anyway, I guess what I was getting at is how, despite my complete and utter waste of existence recently, somehow I still manage to be conflicted. Yeah, there's no drama, no fights or anything really. Even the family all seem to be getting along. But something is eating away at me and I'm not sure what it is, or why.

Maybe it's the absence.

Signing Out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Gosheth.

2009-05-23T15:49:00.000-07:00

Hate That I Love You - Rhianna ft Neyo

Hm.

What to write, what to write?

There's nothing in particular happening in my life right now. It's very...slow? I guess that's the right way to put it. I mean, I bought a Bop It Extreme 2 which is jolly good fun and I managed to slam my right thumb in a car door, breaking the nail inside which hasn't even grown out yet as well as causing it to bleed and bruising it so much that I'm incapable of comfortably texting with it. Lovely.

Anyway, I'm in perfect condition to type and so I suppose I should spin some nonsense to accomodate this blog. Hm, what to write, what to write?

Ah.

Nope, nothing. I suppose this would probably be the worst entry in the history of this blog. Meh.
I shall redeem myself tomorrow.

Signing Off,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Here's a thought.

The Need

2009-05-08T09:57:00.000-07:00

My ego was fed today.

Theme Tune - You're Not Sorry - Taylor Swift

Hello my pretties [=

Basically, I felt the need to blog. Nothing in particular has happened, but I feel like I should be blogging && so here I am. [=
Anyway, as I mentioned before, my ego was fed today. Sitting in the piano room at my friend's college, we were singing "17 Always", a song written by me. My friend came up with the melody and the music, so she was playing it on the piano. We both sang. As we were singing, just for the sake of singing, an aquaintance overheard us and walked into the room. We sang for him when asked. His friend figured we should be on Xfactor and Britains Got Talent etc and he asked why we weren't. We both replied "There are other things that we have to do".
He continued to feed our egos with his love for the lyrics and the tune and the song in general, but I was thinking about how we answered. "Things we have to do".
Why did we feel as if we were supposed to be doing other things? Because singing and entertainment of that sort was frowned upon. In our religion, in our culture and in our families. Granted, part of that is to do with the fact that it is extremely unlikely that we would make anything of ourselves following that career path.
Sad, really. I say I could go into that business, if only writing the songs for other people, but really, could I? I don't think I can rebel so much. Just one of those things, I guess.

Anyway, as for my identity, I've decided upon something. It only makes sense, considering the name of the blog, that I sign off as "That Emerald Umbrella". Also, "Emotional Vampriess" is something, no matter how true it is about me, that I need to let go of. It's all down to will. So that's it.

Signing Off,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Make Me Acceptable.

2009-04-28T13:04:00.000-07:00

I find it strange that someone can be so confident, especially when their many flaws are so evident to the public eye.

Today's soundtrack: 6 Months by Hey Monday

I've changed.
Finally, after all the blogs, the years, months, days, minutes. All that time I spent speculating whether I had changed and if not, when I would, if I would at all. But yes, it's happened.
It's not as if I love the new me...in fact, I don't even love the old me. I don't exactly miss being the old me...the old me was kind of exasperating, actually.
I am, it seems, this new breed of being, where that is all I am doing...simply being. I don't seem to hold any significance within the world, or within the lives of people around me. Just that girl.
But, not only do I seem to not possess any desire to become something, but I fill my days with hateful thoughts. Most of the time, this simply means commenting negatively on people's oufit choices. But today, upon watching a girl who I would say is partly to blame for the current state I am in, I wished a car would speed down out of nowhere. I wanted to see her get knocked down by a car, I wanted closure. Is that really me?
What the hell is happening to me?

I wasn't in such a foul mood all day though. Someone said something. I know that I'm judged quite a bit, but usually I disregard it...or rather pretend it's not happening. But for some reason, I just had to know. It got to me. Of course, what she said about me wasn't true...the part about thinking myself beautiful and having really high standards for myself. But when she said I go for guys who are better than I am (I don't really go for any guys, honestly) and how I dress weird, I was just hurt.
Who is this girl anyway? She doesn't know me. She knows nothing about my choice in guys. I don't dress like a slag. So why did it get to me so much?
She also happened to say who she thought (another person she doesn't know) was really on my level. Now, this is extremely insensitive and stupid for me to say, but all I could think of was how unjust that was. How true it probably was. I mean, that particular individual, I believe he can do much better than me (which he has done) and it is unfair to judge him when she knows even less about him than me.

Onto other things...it's almost Summer, love. I say "almost" as it is only April but also, despite the random nice weather we've been having recently, we're on rainy days.
I love rainy days.

Signing Out,

I'm Not Sure Anymore X

Runaway;; Regardless.

2009-04-05T17:19:00.000-07:00

What do you say;; let's leave for somewhere new.

Theme Tune : Shape - Sugababe

Well, this is the deal.
I'm through with people coming and going, as if my life was a corridor for them to pass through to get where they need to go. I hate you people who give the illusion of staying in the corridor. Maybe you stop to light a cigarette, or you just need to rest...either way, I hate you, get out.

It's not like I'm some hateful being, stuck in one place, just watching the rest of them go on by without me. It's just that some people don't really take account of how I feel when they push and pull me, love me then lose me.

Go away.

Anyway.

I've been needing to blog for a while, actually. I kept on logging on, and clicking new post...but then I was at a loss for words. I mean, I know what I wanted to say...I just couldn't say it for some reason. Infact, the only reason I could say anything now is because I started at such a negative point.

My life seems rather mediocre right now, despite everything. Everything is of course, okay or absolutely horrible, yet I still see it all as mediocre. I see myself as mediocre...inadequate rather. But I've discussed this recently, so on from that topic.

What is strength? Strength...it is not being able to do everything, in my own opinion. It is not about the seemingly impossible...it's more like achieving something you believed personally, to be something you were unable to achieve. It's not being hard or cold, it's simply the absence of frailty. It's not believing in yourself, but trying regardless. Whether you succeed or not is a whole other matter.

The problem is figuring out the extent in which you believe in yourself.

We all have potential. We have the potential to do a number of things, big or small. But how many of us can actually do the things we have the potential to do? I mean, physically, we can do these things, because if we couldn't then we wouldn't have the potential to. But, how many of us can push ourselves to our goals? How many of us can take the emotional, physical, economical stress that personal journeys provoke?
Not many.

I want to forget all this crap. I want to forget all those people, all those faces and names. I want to forget their comments and their remarks and their beliefs. I want to focus on my own. But I can't. I can, but I can't. I have the potential to, but I can't actually deal with the emotional, physical and economical issues that doing that would raise.

I want to be who I want to be, regardless of them. I want to see what I want to see, regardless of what they say. I want to runaway, regardless of those left behind.

I don't think I'm strong. But I'm going to try regardless.

Signing Out,

Emotional Vampiress X

17 Always

2009-03-22T15:01:00.000-07:00

I wrote a song...the first semi-decent one I ever wrote, I reckon =\

You're just starting out,
It's a new day.
Still a child holding on to your
old ways.
Trying to prove you're grown,
Staying up all night long,
Talking on the phone,
Thinkin' he's the one.

You'll dance all night through,
In your best dress in the rain,
Cuz you doubt you'll ever feel
that good again.
Carefree,
Wet Feet,
With an empty driver's seat,
Spinning around,
'Til you fall down,
Drumbeats are the only sound.

Then you're seventeen,
Just stuck inbetween,
You don't know where you're going
Or even where you've been
It's a big world,
And you're just one girl,
Alone and afraid,
Like you'll be seventeen always.

There's a life worth living,
Somewhere waiting for you.
You can see it in the distance,
But you can't seem to get through.
Stuck in one frame,
That's the same everyday,
Rejected and neglected,
Cuz you've been pushed away.

You'll drift through each day,
Music as loud as it goes.
Then you'll cry through each night,
Because you really don't know,
If it was worth it,
Perfect,
Or if you really deserved it.
Head's spinnin; around,
But you make no sound,
Just front a smile,
Like you're not down.

Cuz you're seventeen,
Just stuck inbetween,
Don't know where you're going,
God knows where you've been.
Such a big world,
For this young girl,
Alone and afraid,
You'll be seventeen always.

Hmm...inspired by Fifteen by Taylor Swift I guess.

Hateration, Horrible Feelings && Hyperness.

2009-03-18T12:48:00.000-07:00

Hola Mi Chiquillas, te amo mucho.

Not much time, but the theme tune in True To Me by Metro Station...feelin' me some Raxstar right now too...

But yes;; onto today's thoughts.
Gosh, I've recently fallen out with my friends, as you may already know. However, two of them I'm still okay with, although I don't chill with them.
I got on the bus today to find them all there...I was rather happy until I saw them actually.
I was disgusted with myself, because I felt jealous of those I'm no longer on good terms with, for they had the company of the two I'm still good friends with. I wasn't acknowledged as I got on the bus and sat directly behind them. If I was addressed, I didn't hear over my music, which I turned up to block out the sounds of their laughing.
They were laughing, I discovered as my iPod didn't seem to go loud enough. They were laughing and disgussing "private jokes" and I felt horrible. I've never actually felt that way before...like I was there to be mocked. I don't know if they were talking about me in code or whatever, but the point is, it felt like they were.
I felt as if I was disgusting and all those things they cast me out for in the first place. I see them everyday, but for some reason, I felt these things then. It was actually horrible...I don't know how else to describe it.

I realised however, the extent at which I hated them. They abandonned me, I felt. They pushed me away and they didn't care that I didn't try and come back. I wasn't important enough.
I love who I chill with now, but hearing them laughing on the bus...it made me wonder. I don't laugh like I used to laugh with them anymore. Is that such a bad thing though? I don't know. With them, the happiness, I guess it seemed to be more at the expense of others. Now I'm calm-ish. Is that really what I want? Is that what I need? Who's to say that I'm better or worse, especially since I can't tell myself.
I don't think I'll ever fit in. I was too manipulative/offensive/mean/demeaning/patronising/religious to be friends with some.
I still feel like an outsider with the group I'm with now. I don't think that'll ever change either.
And the rest?
It's the same. There's no one who actually gets every aspect of me...I know it's rare to find people who are like you...but why is it the rest of them all fit together so well? Why can I not fit in with the extremely large and varied groups of people I know?
I'm too much...or I'm not enough.
So many standards, yet I just slip past each of them.

Relentless has me hyped and despite this post, I might feel happy for a bit. With sleep suppliments comes artificial emotions. Lovely.

But when it wares off...I think It'll be worse than that horrible feeling I had on the bus.

I think I'm going to fail. Not just at exams, but at life in general. That was not a joke, for all those who know me to joke about failiures. I don't think I'll ever work hard enough to get to those points in my life I dream about...and those things I do work for, it's probably written that I shouldn't get them.

Plug In Baybii;; 'Til I Get Crayzii.

Signing Out,

Emotional Vampirezz X

Frustration, Realisation && Emancipation...

2009-03-10T10:22:00.000-07:00

I'm allowing myself an hour to cry, write...contemplate.
This isn't a post of strength, no words of assurance, no pearls of wisdom, keys to happiness.
If that's what you want and expect, then leave now.

Theme Tune: Nobody's Home - Avril Lavigne

It's back.
The darkness is swallowing me and although at the return I could see light, I couldn't seem to reach it. I can't even see the light anymore.
That same play list from about two years ago is on repeat. The one that allowed me to shut myself away from everybody and everything around me. Emotional Vampiress.

Shoulder To Lean On by The Sound Of Reason

"I thought I was strong as they come, I thought I was numb, my thoughts and my heart overrun..."

Do I really overreact? Yes. Sometimes. I'm known to. But I can get along with people and accept people the way they are, without getting upset because they're being themselves.
So shut up.

Do I really chat crap? No. Yes. Maybe. I don't know...I'm not a very good judge of that. But if I am chatting crap, why not tell me? Why not tell me to shut up and stop chatting crap? Why pretend to agree? No one asked you to.
So shut up.

But putting people down and being manipulative? How could someone say that about me? It's not like I try to be like that. I try to be the best friend I can be. That's my problem.

No one seems to care. When it comes down to it, who has my back, my shoulder?
Nobody.
No One.

Why do I just keep putting myself in that position? It always ends the same. Like this. Rejection. Loneliness. Depression. Tears.

We Are Broken - Paramore

"With my wide eyes, I've seen worlds that don't belong. My mouth is dry, with words I cannot verbalise...tell me why we live like this..."

I'm so angry. Why do I let myself hit this cycle again and again? Why do they let me hit this cycle again and again? Why do I waste my time on those people who let me hit this cycle again and again?

Black Roses Red - Alana Grace

"Can I ask you a question please? Promise you wont laugh at me. Honestly, I'm standing here, afraid I'll be betrayed..."

Why do they all leave? Am I so repulsive?

The truth is, I'm comfortable in this place. I'm used to this self-loathing nature...I had time to get used to it. I've realised, I'm so conscious and paranoid all the time because I'm kidding myself. I'm being something that isn't me.
I'm not smart, or bright and colourful, or talented or funny...
I'm just a confused girl who's life lies in music. I can't play an instrument, I can't even sing. I can play music though and I can play myself...allow myself to be absorbed into drum beats and guitar chords.

Hello again, have you missed me?

Emotional Vampiress X

If I Ruled The World?

2009-03-06T12:50:00.001-08:00

Hello.
Metro Station - Seventeen Forever

If I ruled the world, seventeen would not exist. It just sucks.
Hola mi chiquillos, people waste my life away.

It's been a while since my last post...so much and so little has happened. Life is strange in that way.
In the time since my last post, I have made up and fell out once again with my group of friends at college. Ah, who cares? They suck more than seventeen.

I got a new iPod nano-chromatic. Yay.

I have dyed my hair. I am now that weirdo with 5 colours in her hair [=
Rainbow-head...yep, that's me.

I've re-discovered Breaking The Habit by Linkin Park. This, my pretties, is not a good sign. Not at all.

This post is extremely broken up and jumpy, pretty much like my life at the moment.

I've started writing a novel. It's called The Riverbirds.

Oh yeah. There is this trip to India for a month for voluntary work with college. I applied and went for my interview on Wednesday. I don't think they liked me. Lovely.

If I ruled the world, I doubt it'd be any better than it is right now.
The problem is in people in general, not just the people with their faces on the television.
We're all just messed up. But in the words of Boys Like Girls in Let Go,

Excuse me, too busy, you're writing your tragedy...

That's what we all do. We set ourselves up to fall.

Signing Out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

No music.

2009-02-17T11:50:00.000-08:00

Here's a new one.
This time, I don't have a theme tune. Well, not as such.
All that seems to accompany this post are the words I read today in Arundhati Roy's "The God of Small Things".

"...And we cannot understand the whispering because our minds have been invaded by war. A war that we have won and lost. The worst sort of war. A war that captures dreams and re-dreams them. A war that has made us adore our conquerors and despise ourselves.
We're Prisoners of War. Our dreams have been doctored. We belong nowhere. We sail unanchored on troubled seas. We may never be allowed ashore. Our sorrows will never be sad enough. Our joys never happy enough. Our dreams never big enough. Our lives never important enough. To matter."

Okay I have earphones in now. Here I Stand by Madina Lake.
But still. Although I don't understand these words completely and I'm sure I don't understand exactly what Roy meant by them, I somehow feel I can connect with them.
Deep down inside, I know exactly what I want...I think.
See, that's the problem right there, isn't it? I think.
I used to know. But now I falter when these things come to mind. I've been moulded over time into the person who I'm not. A person who permits herself to cater to everybody's needs around her...in an attempt to stay in this limbo, where she can feel good enough to not feel the darkness that's in her.
I have won myself some twisted kind of happiness and in the process I have lost myself. I am not the same person I was and I never will be that person again. That person, despite all her dreams an aspirations, her brightness and the light which she let the people around her see, she was dark inside. She hid how she felt...from herself and from those around her. That girl was not healthy... not physically or mentally.
And now I find myself slipping back into a darkness similar to the one that I once had...but not the same. But I am not the same. Who's to say how I will handle myself this time, if I do let myself go back to that place?
People and time have taken all that I wished for, all that I wanted, all that I thought was my future and somehow have shaped them into something else. I no long want these things as much...I've begun to settle. Now, I settle for whatever is available to me, which is still within certain boundaries. And now, this settling has betrayed me.
I cannot say that I feel contempt for those who have done this to me...I'm fine with them. In fact, I love them all, despite the many times I am frustrated by them. I blame myself for all that has happened.
And now, I am stuck here it seems, in the midst of complications and issues. I feel like I do not belong, neither at home or out there...I'm simply drifting. And...I don't really know what else to say.

Signing Out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Kick, Push && Coast...

2009-02-15T10:23:00.000-08:00

Theme tune? It's obvious isn't it?
Kick Push by Lupe Fiasco

Wow. Piano is an amazing thing you know. It can shape someone's mood so easily...I could sit and listen to piano instrumentals all day and just be calm. Or upset...sometimes even angry.
Right now, I'm listening to Stacie Orrico - Strong Enough. Right now, I'm kind of just being. I can't really pick out one of the emotions I'm feeling. Yeah, I think I'm going through a piano phase right now.

Anyway, that aside...I feel I owe it to those who read this because they are actually interested in my life an explanation to the last post. It was aimed at specific individuals, who I have removed from the list of email addresses each new post is sent to. In fact, I think I removed everyone. If you stumble upon this, then fair enough.
But yeah, basically, I don't really want to know some of the people I know right now. I feel as if they're just obsticles holding me back from being myself. I may not be able to pick out the distinct characteristics which make me who I am, but I do realise when I'm doing things which are not me. For example, I don't feel I should have to be on a constant guard all the time JUST IN CASE I happen to offend or upset people. I am who I am and I do appologise when I offend and upset people, but at the end of the day, I don't believe it's right for me to be a different person around each of the individuals I know. I am opinionated, I am sometimes kind of reckless and stupid, but either deal with it, or don't deal with me at all.

A wise woman gave me some advice. She told me, no matter what I'm waiting for, I should just go on in life until it happens (or it doesn't). I can't put my life on hold for one thing, one possibilty, no matter what that possibility is. Until I get to that point, I should just live my day to day life.

Well, that's all fine and dandy, but it's extremely hard to do! I know I always bring this up, but it is such a simply complicated thing.

No expectations, No let downs.

No let downs, no depression. No depression, no losing out. No losing out, no missing out. No missing out, no regrets. No regrets...well, one would expect happiness to come next. I don't believe that one's ultimate goal in this life is to be happy. I believe it is to be able to accept.
Simple as it sounds, this is one of the things that we all fall short at. How many times have you had an obsticle in your path and then you've broke down? Or you've asked God why He would do such a thing to you. We all do it, even when we don't realise.
Sometimes we don't understand why things are, but sometimes it's supposed to be like that. We are not supposed to have such a great understanding of all things. The idea is to believe. To accept without seeing or hearing or touching. To accept simply by knowing that's what you are supposed to do.
We can't all be happy. In fact, most of us aren't. Most of us don't know what makes us happy. That's why I think all we need to do is accept where we are. Although that doesn't mean we shouldn't try in life. The idea is to accept and move on.

Another recycled quote of mine:

No one said things were going to be smooth. When you're riding down this road called life, don't stop at every speed bump. Slow down, drive over it and carry on.

I think that's all I can squeeze out of my head right now...

Signing Out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Cba.

2009-02-07T12:52:00.000-08:00

I really cannot be assed anymore.
Soundtrack: Take My Hand by The Cab ft Casadee [FOB Mixtape version]

Well it's a short one.
I can no longer be assed with most of you people.
Nothing in particular has happened...I just re-evaluated my life and decided so.
Yeah, I sound like a bitch but I don't care about you so therefore I don't care how I sound to you.
You may leave now.

Signing Out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

17 Forever.

2009-02-01T10:00:00.000-08:00

A collective of thoughts of the day.
Soundtrack: Seventeen Forever by Metro Station.

Just in case you don't know, the songs I list for the soundtrack on my posts are always relevant to the post. If you've never heard of them...Youtube them, you might like them.

First off, I just want to ask this question: Do you deen like you diet?
Do you eat and eat and then tell yourself you will diet later? Do you build up your weight so that when and if you do get around to dieting, you have more work to do?
I'm like that.

Maybe Tomorrow, I'll Find My Way.
Maybe Tomorrow - Stereophonics

Do it. Just do what you're supposed to do or at least what you think you're supposed to do. Don't hesitate. Just do it.

I've gone and done it again. I've allowed myself to slip into this awkward position and I've let myself slide back into that cycle I'm always in. I'm 17. I will be 17 for the rest of my life it seems. This one mistake I let myself make has caused a chain reaction and now I'm constantly reminded of that mistake...so much that sometimes I'm glad I made it, because sometimes, it's beautiful, even if it is just a lie.
Seventeen, for me, is being in between. It's not quite adult, but not quite child. It's not knowing exactly where you've been or where to go next. It's just half-knowing where you are. Seventeen is planning with no outcome. Seventeen is wanting and then not knowing if you want it. It's needing but never remembering you need it. Seventeen is wishing, not knowing if you need it or if you even want it. Seventeen is conscious uncertainty. Seventeen is changing your mind. I am 17 and I have been 17 for over a month now.
I think I'll be 17 for a very long time yet, because 17 is also forgetting how to not be 17.
17 sucks.

Signing Out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Don't Be A High School Drop Out

2009-01-28T12:18:00.000-08:00

Soundtrack?
Gosh. Shooting Star by Air Traffic.

Well, it's been a while I see. I apologise for my absence, I sleep early these days.

It's simple really, the secret to life. It's High School. So don't drop out.
I know everyone hates High School except those who miss it when they're gone, but it prepares you for the rest of your life, so much more than you'll ever know.
You see, High School is your life, for about 5 years. People come, people go. New people, old people. Change, move on. Status and cliques. High School labels you and your life, whether that's directly or indirectly.
For example, I, the semi-popular girl who bounced between many groups within her time in High School, from the rejects, to the pretty girls, to the hoes and the rebels, have managed to figure out what my life is about and probably will be about judging by that. Eventually, I guess I ended up with a good big set of friends, who i drifted between depending on how I was feeling etc. The main group, which was small...well I lost most of those friends to change. But I work hard to keep the rest.
That's my life though. It's pleasing other people, trying to keep everyone happy. Feeling like I can do everything, when in actual fact, I really cannot because trying always makes things worse. Not trying however, that's a weight on my conscience.
I will never fit in with one particular type, unless that type happens to be the type that can't be placed in one box. As I mentioned before, I drift. I'll most probably just drift through life aswell, from one situation to another, until I don't know what will actually make me happy anymore. I've already begun to lose sight of what it is I want, because I'm so busy trying to keep everyone else around me sane.
I once referred to myself as an emotional vampire. My old blog was named after this. Although we may look back on things we thought of when we were younger and laugh, it's strange how profound we can actually be sometimes. I may have said some random things, but these things probably make more sense to me now than they did then. Emotional Vampire. I feed off other peoples emotions to forget my own. That was the idea I had then. But it's a little more than that. I feed off of other people emotions in an attempt to distract and settle my own. I do it to fix myself. You see, if I help others, than I can be happy. I like helping others and I like the feeling afterwards. It makes me feel a little less down about my own problems.
High School prepares you. It makes you ready, although completely sick of by the time you get to it, for people and their bullshit. It readies you for those who will bring you down, those who will try to bring you down, those who want nothing more than for you to be you (a minority, believe me) and those who simply exist in the backdrop of things.
High School sparked off the ideas and the thoughts and plans that I knew would make me happy, the things I wanted, the things I needed. I need to go back to High School so I can re-discover those things.
But my High School is being knocked down so it can be rebuilt into a sparkling new modernised institution. That's not my High School, so I guess I'm stuck drifting.

Signing Out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Blergh.

2009-01-04T16:41:00.001-08:00

I think, at one point in every blogger's life, they will have a post titled "Blergh". This is my first "Blergh" post and is hopefully my last. This is one of those posts which I think is going to be really long, because of what I plan to discuss, but will probably not be that long.

The theme tune today? I can't decide on one. It's between "Queens of Islam" by MPAC, "Shoulder To Lean On" by The Sound Of Reason && "Still Strong" by Native Deen, featuring Isam Bachiri from Outlandish.

Well, yesterday, I got back from my first ever protest. All over the world, there were protests and marches, some peaceful, some slightly violent, in opposition of the Holocaust taking place in Gaza, Palestine. My first ever march and by the time I'm home, I discover that the Israeli military have crossed the borders, into Palestine.
It's disgusting, how history repeats itself. All those years ago, Hitler tried to "dispose of" those who were not pure-blooded German (even though he was not pure-blood himself). Approx. 6 million Jews alone were murdered for the cause. People were taught to hate the Jews, they were a different species, or they were dirty etc.
Did you know, in Israel, they teach the children to hate Palestinians? They teach them that they stole the land, or that they're dirty people, they disrespect the Israeli...oh uh, I mean Jewish way of life. Sound like something you've heard before?
It's the same in Palestine, they're taught to hate the Israeli people. It's no conundrum why that would be though. Israel has done what they have because of a potential "threat" to the safety of a people as a whole. Palestinians do what they do, because if they don't, then they will die.
Let's not talk of numbers. Numbers are irrelevant. Let's talk of people.

Soldiers that die for the "cause of the war which is supposedly still in the name of the Jew's God" have names and faces and families to pay respects to.
Soldiers that die for the "Cause of Allah" have names and faces and families to congratulate, because they did something and are believed to have been accepted into Paradise through martyrdom.
Soldiers who die for the cause of their families, soldiers who were in the wrong place at the wrong time, soldiers who die for the cause of some twisted Israeli soldier's sick entertainment, they are countless. They have names and faces and families (some of them), but nobody knows. Yet, they are soldiers nonetheless, for everyday was a constant battle for survival. May they rest in peace.

______________________________________________

Moving on from that mess, let me bring to light another mess. This mess is a mess found in the masses, yet I would say it is trivial, once you have discussed war.
Girls are nutters. Really. Any guys reading this, know that, we are absolutely mental. We're sneaky and conniving and trivial creatures, who enjoy hearing of other people's shortcomings and love to watch you guys squirm, like worms trapped beneath our thumbs. Some of us do it on purpose and some of us don't. I think the vast majority of us don't mean to be the way we are, but we're so because of how easily influenced we are by others around us, including YOU GUYS.
Don't think you're all innocent, just because you're not a head-case. Oh no, you do provoke us, whether you mean to or not.
But yes, this one is to all the girls. Stop being stupid. Seriously. I will knock you out. This is to you;;

The girls who are loving the chase. Stop being chased. Be copped or stay cold and lonely all your life. Not everyone likes a chase, learn to stop. Like if you're already in a relationship, girl, don't be trying to get 'em interested. You were a shiny new novelty when the chase started. Fact is, dudes are dogs. They chase the cute little kitty, then they make their mark and leave. No, that doesn't mean be a Bitch.
The girls who do the chasing. Ain't nobody want you! At least, not when you're running around after next man all the time, trying to get you some time pass. Because, ultimately, that is what you're doing, right? If you want something serious, then BE serious. Be yourself, stay yourself and when someone comes knocking, invite them in. Then see above.
The girls who wait. Just wait. They don't admit that they're waiting, in fact, they outright deny it. They sit on a little bench with a newspaper, pretending they don't care, when really, they want to be noticed. The two girls above make them like this by the way, because they're trying to avoid being those girls. The problem is, when someone does come along, they push them away, because for so long, you've been in this routine. Eventually, you start believing that you don't need anyone. This ain't a fairytale, Prince Charming wont necessarily wake you up!

There has been a new discovery. In light of what has happened literally this second, I'm forced to add yet another bulletpoint.

The girls who can't make up their minds. Sometimes you honestly can't, you're confused, I understand. But sometimes, you're just mean, evil, twisted beings. Stop messing them about. I can't watch anymore.

I've just watched a leaked video showing what's happening in the Middle East. All I have to say is:

Well Done Israel. You've accomplished so much. I hope you're proud of how much you just "cleansed" the world of such filthy beings, who went out of their way to piss off the rest of us. Of course, that must be the reason, right? Surely, you wouldn't do what you did because you simply felt like it? No, never.

What Israel Have Accomplished, So Far.

Signing Out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

For The Sake of My Sanity

2008-12-31T16:51:00.000-08:00

Soundtrack: White Horse - Taylor Swift

Well children, the year has passed && we've stumbled upon yet another chapter to our lives. The interlude of parties && drinks will pass soon && reality shall commence.
I wonder though, what is it exactly that people are celebrating? Is it that they have lived another year? Are they celebrating their successes of the year gone? Are they celebrating the end of the dreadful year passed, praying that the next will be one to remember? I wonder.

Personally, despite all the negative posts && all the drama, I believe the year 2008 to have been a good one. I've learnt a great deal about myself, others && how life works in general. I passed my GCSEs, said my farewells to friends && welcomed strangers into my life. People were lost to other people && other places, babies conceived && born, as well as some deaths. I've begun College, where my start wasn't so bad, in retrospect. I may not have achieved my new years resolution, but I have time it seems, to still accomplish that.

I, however, am not one for living year by year. I live day to day at the most. Every second I am dying, so why round things up so much? Each night I ask myself what I have accomplished throughout the day && set targets for the next day, should I wake.

The year 2008 hasn't been wonderful for everyone though, has it? On Saturday, I'm planning to attend a rally against the bombing in Gaza. Obama has been elected, marking a change in the world's politics && views, but is this the change that we've really been waiting for? Let me say, equality in the races works both ways. Just because America has a black president now, doesn't mean he wont "accomplish" what those before him have, if not more.

Those of you who know the song "White Horse" by Taylor Swift might not see the connection with the song to this particular post. I guess, what it means for me, is realisation. I've simple dreams && plans && goals, but this is no fairytale. There is no telling how far I will get in achieving what I wish to achieve. This could be down to simply not being around long enough, or other factors such as the meddling of certain individuals around me.

"I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale, I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet && lead her up the stairwell. This isn't Hollywood, this is a small town, I was a dreamer before you went && let me down. Now it's too late for you && your white horse to come around..."
White Horse - Taylor Swift

Maybe I will find a white horse, but the likelihood is that I'm always going to be where I am now...thinking. I will always be, whether physically or not, at this place where I feel the need to blog my journey. You see, I will always be on this journey. When it does end, you will never know, as I wont be around to document it.

I can tell you, one time, after a pretty average day at school, I was walking home. I was listening to "Fast Car" by Tracy Chapman, && I got to my house...except I just kept walking. I was lost in the song, wrapped up in the idea of it. I was fine, eyes closed, saying the words to myself as I walked. I was in my own world, just alone with the wind pushing me forward. That was until I thought. "Where am I going?" That's when it all fell apart...that one sentence sparked a chain of other questions which made me turn round && walk back home, 3 hours late, to a home where nobody even noticed my absence. That feeling, as I was walking, when I wasn't thinking...it was easily the best feeling I have ever felt.

Only, I know I'll never feel that way again. So I am bound to this place where I over-analyse every detail of my life. If I do find my white horse though, there's no thinking involved. I know exactly what I'll do;;
Say yes.

Signing Off,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Truth.

2008-12-25T17:11:00.000-08:00

Theme Tune: True by Ryan Cabrera.
Inspiration: Yet another dispute over my future.

I've waited all my life
To cross this line
To the only thing that's true.

I don't know really. I'm scared. I know it's no expectations, no let downs. But I'm still scared. I always will be scared. I can't be this nobody, living at home in my shell of a life.

I'll be okay soon. I'm usually okay, but then I go through this little breakdown. But I usually spring back.

It's been a long day. It kind of ended in a way I didn't expect it to. Will I ever compromise my dreams? It's easy to say no, but I don't really know. I do know that I'm stubborn though.

It's strange. I started off this blog, with the intention of it being a rant to the theme tune of Who's To Say by Vanessa Carlton [yet again]. Somehow, it ended up changing. Things do change.

Signing Out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

The Thank You

2008-12-22T10:31:00.000-08:00

Hello lovelies.
Soundtrack : Boys Like Girls - On Top Of The World
This is just a thank you to all those who know they are the subject. I love you all dearly, && you've made me so happy. Cheesy as it sounds, I was tingly && melting inside hehe. This is for you:

Look up;;
The stars are bleeding
Shining ones proceed to fade
Behind the clouds && crowds
That recede with day

Watch how they fall to pieces
Before conforming to liquid form
Smashing their distorted reflections
&& So there lies the storm

Now I shall catch those droplets
Bottle the dazzling water
In hope of retaining the shine
Because to me they're so precious
&& Because they are all mine

You're all my stars && starlets
The storm has moved me
&& I see clearly once more
I love you once more
More than I did before.

Signing Out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Lollipops;; Candy Canes && Other Sugar-Coated Stuff.

2008-12-13T08:57:00.000-08:00

Oh Gosh;; Oh Gosh.
I can feel it coming.

Major "Argh-I-Hate-My-Life-People-Suck-I-Need-To-Do-Something-Now" Me has just been taken over by "Super-Hyper-Happy-Jazz-Fingered" M'oi. [See the French? Yeaaahhh]

Mutha' Am Ill =3

So, the theme tune today is Fences by Paramore 'cause it's officially my new life policy.

...It's obvious that you're dying;; just living proof that the camera's lying;; so oh oh open wide;; 'cause this is your night to smile;; && you'll go out in style...

I don't really care too much right now that certain people need to get a life instead of just picking at all the little parts of mine. Yes honey, we know you exist, you don't need to make us hate you, I wish you'd realise that it comes natural to you. Provoking people to hate you that is - STOP TRYING!
I don't really care too much right now that people have sold me out for other people, or other stupid things which wont fill the same shoes in their lives that I did. Yes;; "did" is in the past tense. You guys just didn't realise how awesome I am;; because yes children, I am absolutely fabulous =]
I don't really care too much right now that I'm coughing && am in pain because life is so short. Every day, every second even, we are closer to death, so why waste time on petty little scandalous dramas which play no part in the future we see for ourselves? I know, when I plan my future, I'm thinking only about positive stuff, so why on Earth would I include you stupid wastes of my life in that picture? I'll tell you what, why don't you take a picture now, && that way, you can remember jus how much of a waste of my life you were, thank you.

[You Know Exactly Who You Are]

So here's the deal people, I don't care. [Just in case you didn't get that already]. All the vain stupids who think they phase me, well you did, but now, you don't. I'm awesome && I know it. You guys are just jealous of my curly locks haha ;]

My plan is to just be wonderful, so when I do die, I will die wonderful && be remembered as wonderful because my life, after this point fingers crossed, will in fact be wonderful.
Wahay, I hope you're proud of me, my pretties ;]
I am now vain...wonderful!

Signing Out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Back Up;; Back Off;; Back To My Back To Your Back

2008-12-05T14:21:00.000-08:00

It's back.

That feeling of loneliness, that unique pang of self pity deep within your stomach, where it unsettles you && teases that which you consumed, inviting it to up && leave - up && heave. This time, it's different. It's bigger, but it's not loneliness, as such. It's more the feeling of being left behind. It's like you've been forgotten, but at the same time, they didn't want to remember.
The theme tune is "Let Go" by Boys Like Girls. They say there is beauty in the breakdown. I suppose, I can see the beauty of my breakdown. From this, I have learnt who is true to me, only, now that I know, I wish I didn't. I would much prefer to be completely ignorant to them all, && simply think myself loved by everyone.
My 17th birthday is drawing near && all I ask is that my people are with me...is that a lot to ask? It's amazing to see the people who aren't coming && the excuses they conjure up. I give up on them all really. You can all breathe, I'm not going to cause a scene. I'll leave you alone, just like you want. Maybe I'm too high maintenance for you, maybe you just don't like me. Maybe I'm the one who's changed?
Let me say this though. I said this to a friend who was arguing with her boyfriend earlier on today. They were both pointing out that the other had changed && I said,

Focus less on who's changed && how, && focus more on whether you can accept that change.

Can you accept me? Because people, I've tried. I've tried to accept myself && that is a hard thing to do, but can I accept you if I cannot even fully accept myself for who I am? I've tried. It's no use though, when all the work is coming from one side. So, I'm walking away, backing up, backing off. I know you wont meet me in the middle, but one thing you're good at is walking away from a good thing. I don't expect you to do anything less than that.
You turned your backs on me, when the world already had me on my knees. I can't watch you walk away from me anymore. I'm getting up && walking my own way.

Signing Out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Unsure;; Really.

2008-11-23T13:57:00.000-08:00

Soundtrack: Coldplay - Yellow.
I don't know what I'm feeling like right now.
I go through these phases where I am so sure of what I want, but then later I realise, I don't know how to do it.
I don't know how to get where I want to get, && if the path I choose is the right one. I suppose no one really is sure, but all the same, I'm still worried.
You see;; If I'm unsure, then I'm not confident and if I'm not confident, I can't do what I can normally.
To put it in a rather morbid way, I always need a wee before I go on stage && if I don't wee, all I think about whilst being on stage is the fact I need a wee so I therefore don't sing or whatever I'm doing as well as I normally can. There, now you know a little secret about me.
So yeah, this is in response to my last post, about cleansing && all that...how can I do it? Because there are all these potential backlashes that really scare me...maybe I shouldn't be scared about these things, as it shows that I'm rather impressionable && easily swayed, but that doesn't help me ease up. I need to think through a game plan.

To detatch, or to not detatch, that's what I want to know. You're all so bad for me, but I stick around, afraid of what people might say or do. All to many times has it happened before, I guess that's why I'm scared.
I can't be dealing with more labels.

Signing Out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Tidy Home;; Tidy Head.

2008-11-15T10:59:00.000-08:00

Theme tune? Wonderwall. Not quite sure why.

But yes, currently I'm on a break from clearing out my room. I am going to temporarily move into another room while the tumor in my ceiling is mended. Also, very soon, I shall be redecorating.

Anyway, as I am moving out, I'm clearing out. I'm going through everything I own and crtically deciding whether I need it or want it. So far, in terms of clothes, it's ok...I still have a lot of clothes but I have 2 black bags ready to go to charity.

The point in this is demonstrated in the title of this particular post. I have 7 minites to finish this before X Factor starts. Yikes. But yes.

Tidy home not just in the literal sense, but home as in where you are. My home is not only this room, but this house. Not only this house, but other houses I visit. Not only those houses, but my old high school which I shall be re-visiting on thursday. Not only that high school, but the college in which I attend now and so on.

My home is my surrounding, be it the physical elements of it (rooms, people, etc...) or be it things like the emotions and feelings and vibes which are occuring in that surrounding. The people and places around me affect my being. The human mind is like a sponge absorbing what is around it, as I'm sure I've mentioned before and so if I'm surrounded by negativity, I will be feeling rather negative.

I feel I need to cleanse myself and to do this, I need to cleanse that which is around me. Positivity is integral to the well-being of my soul so I need to keep an eye on my surrounding.

X Factor time.

Signing off,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Relevance, I suppose.

2008-11-04T16:20:00.000-08:00

Why, hello there my lovelies.

I am sat here, with the laptop on on my lap top, the brother to the right && of course, the BBC blurring out the latest on the Presedential Elections on the television.

At this moment in time, McCain is leading with an 8 to Obama's 3. To be honest, I don't really care much for who does win. Obama may be able to give a killer speech, but I don't see how that makes him any better for the country, or world for that matter.

My brother said that McCain would be better off for America, but Obama would be better off for the whole world in general.

I personally think that the world is screwed either way. They never stick to their word, they never have full control. If Obama wins, you are not putting the control of America into the hands of a single man, who happens to be the first black president also. No, you are putting the control into his hands && the hands of every person directly linked to him, who can influence his decisions and opinions. As with McCain.

You are putting power in the hands of a man, most of all, because all they actually are, are men. Simple, ordinary men, with big names. The only time I believe there will be complete freedom, equality and justice is when there is someone who stands for nothing but that.

But, which human can rule with no agenda? Positive or negative, everyone has something embedded deep in them, which when in power, will break free and tempt. There is no innocence, not even in children.

But, if you must know who I think would be an awesome president, than I should tell you that I belive it would be Neil Patrick Harris. Seriously. He's awesome.

But onto better and more exciting news, I got an awesome new emerald green Nike SB hat which I wore with a scarlet red scarf so my head looked like a juicy watermelon that threw up. It was legendary.

The BBC don't seem to be recieving the calls, updating the poll, so as I close this off, the votes still say 8 to 3.

Signing Off,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Trax :]

2008-11-01T16:50:00.001-07:00

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

Lost at Sea.

2008-10-28T15:31:00.000-07:00

Forgotton Faces, Washed Out Places, Subtle Traces Of The Past She Chases.

Everchanging,
Running with the constance of the tide being drawn towards the moonlight,
Her world no longer stationary at euphoria,
She looks for the door to her,
Passage to her,
Portal to her,
Ideal, but her,
Memories are blurred,
Her coroner concurred
That autumn birds
Took the little she preserved
And dropped it into the river, which flows into the ocean,
Ever-flowing, ever in motion,
Once again lunar devotion.
Her notion is that she is lost.

Forgotton Faces, Washed Out Places, Subtle Traces Of The Past She Chases.

She's on a conveyor belt,
She can only move forward,
With her blackhole of a past,
She's always heading shorewards,
Keeps forgetting to jump off,
Caught up in the roar of it,
Then she wakes to a little boat,
Which seems to have no oar with it
She is so bored of it
She's stopped attempting to go ashore so it,
Slowly drives her insane
As she lies adrift through salty rains
Deprived of terrain
This cycle of pain
Omnipresent in her veins
And she remains lost.

Forgotton Faces, Washed Out Places, Subtle Traces Of The Past She Chases.

Signing Out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Danger;; stranger.

2008-10-25T20:08:00.000-07:00

My warning lights are going off. The alarms are sounding. Intruder alert.

It's not the first time this has happened. I'm sure of it, although I cannot quite remember the last time.
Maybe it happens a little everyday, so much so, I don't realise fully until it has happened.
Maybe it happens very little, but when it does, i'm too busy becoming accustomed to it than actually speculating how and why it did.
Maybe it never happens, and this is just another one of my teenage ramblings.
Who knows?

I'm a changed girl. I am no longer the same person I was, be that yesterday, or the day before. I do not recognise myself. I look at life differently, I feel differently, I act differently. I have different standards for myself and others, different feelings towards others and inevitably, I'm friends with different people.

This particular time has effected me, as you may imagine as I am blogging about it, quite a bit. It's not even so much that I dislike the change in me, not that I like it either, but more that I have accepted it.

We all change, and one cannot hold it against another. Sure, you may not like how a person has changed, but what happens, happens...what can you do? The world is in a constant state of flux, making it natural to change, so why do we freak out when that is applied to people?

Change is inevitable. The question is, can the inevitability of it change? Can anything stay one way forever? I shall ponder upon that now.

Prayin' that one day she be on top of the world, as this pearl puts her veil on and walks out to her girls...

Signing out,

ThatEmeraldUmbrella X

Moving On?

2008-10-15T12:00:00.000-07:00

I can do the splits. I seem to be doing it a lot recently.

No, I am not flexible. I just seem to have a knack for allowing people to use and abuse me.
Not only have I been bitched about, but I have also been ditched about.
My best friends are distant, people I barely knew are taking their place.
I am new.
I am old.
I am tired.
Friends suck.
A wise man told me,
"You find out who you real friends are now. Some of your friends wont stay friends. Some wont be with you every step of the way. But you have to think, who are the people that are good friends? They're the ones you fight for."

Well, world, don't get me wrong. I appreciate the way you screw with me, I really do. I just love the way you fix parts of my life and then break other parts. But get this:

I know what to fight for now.

Chorez, Borez, Snorez && Whorez;;

2008-09-28T12:00:00.000-07:00

Gosh;; it's been a while...

Where to begin?

Well, first off, I must declare my love for Mutya Buena's cover of Fast Car, a classic originally performed by Tracy Chapman. It is simply amazing.

Chorez;;
Gosh, college is so strange. I love my lessons so much. I've swapped Politics for Sociology and I'm enjoying it so much. But despite this, I really hate college. I hate how I'm playing a completely different role to what I'm used to. I hate how everyone else is different too. Sometimes they're just too busy for you, but most of all, they're just different...or preoccupied. Maybe they've always been that way && I'm only noticing now, because it's when I need them the most...or maybe I'm the one who's different.
Whorez;;
Asside from differences, there is the typical trivial "friend" bullish. Yes, I am talking about the "Whorez" who decide the only way they can fit in to this new habitat [which is a breeding ground for these types], is to run their mouths as much as humanly possible. I burp in your face, you knwo who you are. Just please, I've known you all my life, and the whole time you've had no life. College is a fresh start for many...please take advantage you stupid girl...

&& I had a feeling that I belonged, I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone...

Snorez && Borez;;
That was well Friday night. What the heck was that anyway? I was absolutely knocked out. I don't know how I hacked it. That was quite possibly the longest du'a I'd ever been witness to in my entire life. What's worse? Oh yeah, I didn't understand any of it. Brilliant. That's another reason I'm SO not marrying a paki. This brings me to the relationship section of my post.
JASON!
Lord, I am in love with this guy && I havn't even spoken to him. It was, quite frankly, love at first sight. He has this amazing dress sense && hair && he seems dead quiet but the one time I heard him speak, it was with bare confidence. *Sighs* Why must I be so obsessive?
Friday afternoon was pretty cool though. I went down to Xaverian to visit some friends && I didn't really chill with who thought I would be, but it rocked. Anum, Noorii && I had a nice little [that is a major understatement] chat and I guess that was the highlight of the day.
Anyway, I think that's all I'm going to blog today. Oh, && I cba with Xanga no more LOL.

Signing Out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Bitchin', Butterflies && Breathlessness...

2008-09-07T15:32:00.000-07:00

Part-time Fanaticism Really Aint Me.

The month of Ramadhan is upon us && sure, it's a beautiful month...but where many choose to see all beauty, all the time, I choose to see people for what they are. I understand that many would choose to take advantage of the month where the Shaytaan (devil) is said to be locked away, && when it is said that we recieve more reward for our deeds, but some people really do go over the top.

Personally, I don't like it when girls, for example, where the headscarf for the month and then remove it after. Okay, fine, it has nothing to do with me. BUT, what I really cannot stand is when girls where the headscarf for a month && then when the month is over, they are walking around pretty much half naked. Or say, during Ramadhan, a girl and a guy decide that they should keep some distance between them, for the sake of Allaah && then the day after ^Eid, they are eating eachother's faces as if they were made of chocolate.

Here is another example. This person has a girlfriend. This is prohibited in Islam. But despite the certain things this person has done, say for example, shown dedication to memorisation of the Quran, this person has a girlfriend. They love music to some extent, they love a good time. They bring chaos to the streets of their town. But this person, yes this very person, has the audacity to tell another person to turn off their music in Ramadhan. I mean what the heck? They're being all holy for a month && that's fine but why force it on other people?

Ugh. I just watched a spanish film called [rec] (as in record) && it was the first film that has ever scared me like that...it's likely that I'll be having nightmares...

That being said, I'm off to bed.

Remember I have another blog on Xanga:

http://weblog.xanga.com/ThatEmeraldUmbrella

Signing Out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Gosh;; Shocks && Expectations.

2008-09-06T16:44:00.000-07:00

Dude, I was like...speechless.

Of course, this wasn't new. I mean, this was completely unexpected, but my reaction I mean...it's so me. I never know how to handle death...I can never show the right emotion, or say the right thing...what is right anyway?

I suppose I should explain. My Thai-Baybii died yesterday morning. Thai-Baybii being my friend's puppy, Tyrone. He was gorgeous, masha'Allaah. Really...the best looking puppy I'd ever seen and the only puppy I'd ever become attatched to. He was about 7 weeks old I think.

So she called me to tell me and of course, I was speechless...I mean...what was I supposed to say? I asked after her and obviously she was distraught...kept breaking out into tears. Yeah, he was just a dog but...he was like one of the family at that point. She'd gone through so much just to get him. He was her baby.

I don't really know what to do right now. College...official like I mean, with the lessons and the bells...starts on Monday and I'm scared and well...scared. I mean, I've been there two days already but for real, that was nothing. And I was nothing. Having a clean slate, it's not refreshing. It's scary. Who am I supposed to be now? I feel like being myself is inadequate. This makes me think of that line from Coach Carter.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate...our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that frightens us. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

I have to remember that. That'll keep me strong.

Remember, I post on Xanga aswell. Here's the link:

http://weblog.xanga.com/ThatEmeraldUmbrella

Signing Out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Loverian...?

2008-09-04T09:38:00.000-07:00

Well...I'm back.

Today was my first day at College, although it was only an induction. You know what I mean, when they make you play all these stupid games so you can make new friends and get to know your peers. I'd say that part of my day went rather well.

Obii's first day of College is tomorrow...she's going to Xaverian.Obii is my best friend...kind of. I say kind of because she's much more than that, but that seems to be the only way I can describe her. There was quite a bit of fuss when we discovered we were going to two different colleges just less than a week ago. We're still feeling the distance, although we did sort things out.

Fatima's been in Parrswood College since tuesday. She was also supposed to come to Loreto with me and Obii. She is another one of my best friends. I don't even know what's going on with her...I found out that she was staying in Parrswood from someone else..
.

So, we did sucky induction activities, the two best friends I was supposed to spend my college days with are off in different colleges (all missions away from eachother of course) and I was so self-conscious all day.

I have my own style...I wear a headscarf and a jilbab (the dress type thing) and no I don't always wear black. Even my headscarf, I wear it in a different way to everyone else. So I switch things up a bit to suit me, and normally I don't care who says what...today I felt like I stood out so much.

Not only did I feel like all eyes were on me, but I didn't feel right with the people I was with. I don't fit in at all...and these people are my friends. One of them is a really close friend to me, and even she seemed content in the the group which majorly contrasted against me. I was really loud and hyped today, but of course that was to make up for how insecure I was feeling...how alone I felt.

Maybe things will get better and maybe they wont. Who knows? Well I don't, that's for sure. What I do know however, or somehow have come to realise throughout the course of today, is that college isn't the only thing that's going to be screwed up in my life. Yay, me.

From this post and onwards, I will be keeping a blog on Xanga aswell as blogger. You can access it here:

http://weblog.xanga.com/ThatEmeraldUmbrella

Signing Out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Relationships From Hell

2008-08-29T18:34:00.000-07:00

No, the title is not as straight forward as it appears to be.

Okay, I need to just scream for a minute.

What the hell is wrong with me? Why can't I just be happy for everyone else? Oh, I know why. It's because there is not one scrap of my own life I can be happy about.

I feel like at the root of all my problems are relationships. Somehow, that's what it all comes down to. Good relationships which take people away from me, bad relationships which have left me sour, one relationship which led to my existence and another relationship which I still don't know if it's worth working on or not.

And now I'm just angry. I don't think I've ever been this angry. So angry, that the tears don't fall. So angry, I'm not throwing things or hitting things. So angry, I'm not harming my physical self in any way. So angry, that it's all just in my head, driving to the heart of me with every thought, every justification. It's like Abu Eesa said once in a talk:

If left to itself, the mind can justify anything and everything.

But I've decided what I'm going to do. I need to be different. I need to be not me. Everytime I react how I usually would, I'm re-initiating the cycle I'm constantly going through. I'm stuck though. See, in terms of faith, I'm on this middle path. It's so hard. The middle path is the thinking person's path.
To the right, that's the devout path. That's where you pray and and read Qur'an and go to talks and be all strict and stuff. That's easy, because you know exactly what to do. You read the instruction mannual.
To the left, that's the "free" path. That's where you don't do the above. It's where you live life for now, rather than later. Again, this is easy as no thinking is required. This is based solely on your desire and fancy.
But the middle, the thinking person's path. This is where you decide what it best. The mannual is a guide to how "free" you can be. This is the path which is a bit of everything. This is the path which I find extremely hard to stick to. This is the path which you cannot walk straight down...this path is a zig-zag between left and right, right and wrong (whatever you believe to be right or wrong). Do I need to pick a new path?

It's so hard just waiting, in a life that never moves.
- Here I Am, Jasmine Richards.

Surrounded by so much change, I've realised that I cannot continue as I am. I need to change in order to survive.

Signing Out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

If we make it...

2008-08-22T15:12:00.000-07:00

Everything is so loud, yet so silent.

It's not as if I have been in a particularly noisy environment, so I don't particularly understand why everything is so loud. The little communication which takes place in my household, I am accustomed to. The constant thinking which takes place in my head, I am not.

I suppose one would think it was natural to re-think every decision they had ever made, upon recieving something new to add to the equation which is their life, such as GCSE results for example, but I never figured I would.
I was so sure about things, I mean, I still am sure but I can't seem to stop thinking things through. I mean, I'm talking to one of my closest friends right now, and wondering if keeping them as a close friend was the right thing to do...why?

This could all be down to the lack of anything going on these days, but this could also all be explained through the changes. *Sighs* But enough about those, I'm getting rather bored of talking and thinking about those.

I worry about things. Fatima will probably kill me if she reads about this. It's strange, because I'm still young, but I worry about my future obsessively. I have a hereditary blood disorder called Beta Thalassaemia Major. It cannot be cured, but it is somewhat controllable. It means I was born with dysfunctional red blood cells, which means that my body does not make enough blood. It is because of this, that every four weeks I have to have blood transfusion. It is because of that, that every day I have to take tablets and 3 days a week I have to have a 24 hour long infusion to dispose of the extra iron I am getting from the blood transfusions. Too much iron is life threatening. As long as I keep taking my medication, which is not as easy as it sounds, I should be fine.
It's not that which I worry about, however. The majority of my closest friends are in relationships. It's different when you're the only single one. It's like you're in two different worlds. They're different when they're in relationships. They're in that other world where their priorities are different. It's all fine and dandy, of course. I know that the relationships that they are in are serious, and so I wish them all the best with their significant others...but what about me?
There is a good chance that I could be gone before I am married. Before I have children. Before I get to the part of my life that I want the most. So why am I not running around now, like all the other children? I don't know. There is plenty of reason for me to do just that, but what is it that keeps me like this? Keeps me blogging into the early hours of the morning as opposed to talking about nothing particular with members of the opposite sex.
But even if I live, who's going to want me? No mother wants to have diseased grand-children, even if her son is gracious enough to look over that little detail. And it's not like I can make up for that in any other areas. I cannot speak any Urdu or Punjabi, I'm not amazingly beautiful, I can't cook every kind of curry imaginable...what hope is there?
I don't know, but I still hope. Something inside keeps me going, whether that's the belief that I will be happy or the curiosity to see how I and everyone else I know ends up. I mean, I could not marry a Pakistani and then the fact I can't speak the language or cook the traditional dishes would not be an issue. That is of course, assuming the non-pakistani I marry is ok with the fact I know nothing of their culture either. Basically, I'm screwed.
If I make it...
If I make it...
If I make it...
Then what?

If we make it then we'll be just fine...
- Faith by Nizlopi

That's called faith. Belief.
I believe in a future, I just don't believe in my own. You see, the future depends upon my present- my thoughts, decisions and actions. I have something so precious in my hands and I don't trust myself enough to ensure it's safety.

Signing Out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Results Without Answers

2008-08-21T09:18:00.000-07:00

As many of you should know, Today was GCSE Results Day.
After a few days on the edge of my seat, [a position which I have never previously been in, I might add] I woke up this morning and got ready to go to the high school I used to attend, to pick up my results. I decided I would skip breakfast, because I felt sick and then I was so sick of the waiting, I ate to pass the time. It seems all my worrying was for nothing, because I did reasonably well.

I have talked about how I felt like I could do nothing before I recieved my results, and how when I do recieve my results, my life would get started again. I was wrong.

I am still stuck in the hole which is my life. So much, that I am kind of at a loss at what to write now. I guess things could never really go exactly as I want, because for that to happen, life would have to be fair.

And, I am afraid, I have a rather disappointing announcement to make. I am not really going back on what I said last time, but everything isn't completely over with my little situation. I believe I am still in a vulnerable position and I'm not sure I would like to move out of harm's way. A wise friend of mine put it like this, straight up and rather bluntly;;

You just love the drama. You can't live without it.

In a way, she's right, although at the time of course, I completely disregarded the statement. It's not that I love the drama, Lord knows I have spent so much time complaining about all the drama in my life. It's more that I have become so accustomed to it, that I cannot seem to function well, if at all, without it.
This one is a short one. I want to congratulate everyone who is happy with the results they got, and also those who tried and didn't do as well as they wanted...the fact you tried is a big thing, don't let As and Bs bring you down.
I am now off to said friend's house.
Thank You S for the words that gave me the strength to get through last night and today, you're obviously in one of your "amazing person" phases.

Signing Out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Raindrops, Wounds && Time.

2008-08-15T12:26:00.000-07:00

Good Evening all.

My appologies for the lack of posting I have done within the last month. What with all the wedding preparations etc, I've not really had time or energy to blog. Despite that, there are countless things on my mind which I wish to document today.

So, I bought the first 3 books of the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer yesterday. I have finished the first && I am now reading the second one, New Moon. Many find it strange that so many could fall in love with the character Edward Cullen or Jacob Black, being that he's a vampire/werewolf && that he's also fiction. I, however, completely understand.
I'm not quite certain on what it is exactly, that we fall in love with. I mean, Edward does have a part of him that wants to suck the girl dry of her blood and he is described as perfectly beautiful but we cannot see him to verify this, as he is fictional afterall. I think it is the protection he constantly has over Bella which draws us in, but also I believe it is the excitement of Bella's which we want to feel. As for Jacob, he seems closer to what we could have in reality, but not quite. Anyway, I wont go further into that as I don't want to spoil it for anyone who may not have read it.
After reading the first 3 books, I now feel that any guy I may meet in my life, I will never want more than I want Jacob Black...strange, huh? Of course it is highly unlikely I shall ever get Jacob Black, so why bother? Because, my dear friends, we always want what we simply cannot have. This brings me to my next point.

The wedding is over, but the marriage has just begun. I want, so much, to simply forward time, to see how things move along, how we all become comfortable with the changes which have recently taken place and the changes to come. Or even to rewind time...yes, that would also suffice. Rewind to a time where there was no waiting, no awkward silences or spaces of time in our lives where we feel we can do nothing. But, as I said, we always want what we cannot have, and I, simply cannot have the power to rewind or forward time.

I am at a loss in my life right now. I really do not know what to do, but I'm planning way in advance for other things. For some strange reason, I cannot seem to plan less than a month ahead right now. My GCSE results come out in 5 days and I feel like I'm waiting on those before I make my next move. It's like dominoes. I need one dominoe to fall before the next one can.

They say that time heals all wounds. Who "they" is, I have no idea. Infact, I want to know who said that and how they could possibly know. I mean for real, can you ever really "get over" something that changed your life in some way, be it big or small? I mean sure, you may learn to accept, but that's not the same thing as getting over something, as getting over something would mean you had become indifferent to it. I am not indifferent to things. I am not indifferent to anything I can think of, actually. However, there is more time to waste upon pondering this, if not disproving it.

There are no more raindrops on roses or girls in white dresses...despite the time of year, Summer seems to have come to an end, here in the beautifully wet city of Manchester. There are however, just raindrops. Lots of them. It makes me sad to watch the rain fall these days. I used to be able to watch the rain and think, remember good things. Some bad things also, but mostly good things, like Fatima's 15th birthday. Good times.
Now though, I watch the rain and I wish I was able to go out and dance in it, as I had before. I'm different now, a different person with different feelings, dreams, hopes...expectations. Yes, expectations. I now have none.
See, the whole "no expectations, no let-downs" thing really does work, but there are other things that come with it. For example, it leaves you feeling awfully empty and lethargic. I no-longer know what exactly to do with myself, or my life. I mean, I think I want certain things and I know I want other things, but other than those, I am completely clueless as to what it is I should be doing.
This Summer has not all been sunshine, lollipops and rainbows, however, they have played a big part in it. No, this Summer has helped me realise some things, make some decisions, organise my lifestyle. I now have clothes in my wardrobe, instead of stuffed in drawers or lying on the floor. I now know who exactly I want in my life and where and when I want or need them. Also, I have decided that I can no longer put up with him. It pains me just to try and engage in some kind of conversation with him. Like I said though, I am not indifferent to anything I can think of, including him. I don't regret what I went through with/for him, but I'm sure one day, it might be a part of my life that I can look back on and smile, simply because of how much I may have grown in that time inbetween.

This draws me to the end of today's post. I am listening to "Grime" by Lyricalligraphy, which is my "thinking song", the piece of music which no words I produce can do justice to. If he was to read this, LC would be smiling right now, but these days, I don't think he has time to read the ramblings and scattered thoughts of yours truely,

Signing Out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Sleepless in the sofa-bed.

2008-07-25T22:02:00.000-07:00

Hello there.

Today class, we shall be discussing the causes of insomnia.

Well, it is about 6am and I am awake, blogging. And no, I did not wake up early...I just cannot sleep, despite the fact that I'm ever so tired.
Last night was my cousin's mendhi. Gosh, was that a tiresome event. But, it was so much fun. I came home hot, sweaty and slightly agitated but more or less content. At least, initially.
I shall sum this up like so;;
Coke = caffeine. Large amounts of Coke = large amounts of caffeine = no sleep.
I'm rather unprepared for many of the changes to take place in my life. However, I have chosen not to think of too many at once, as I have previously stated. I must wait for the wedding and then results then college etc.
Oh, but there is one aspect of my future I cannot forget. He didn't text back. Until this morning. That space between when I text him and he text me was a long one, but it did make me think about what exactly I want from the situation, if anything. What should I do? I know what I nearly did. I tried to but for some reason, my fingers wouldn't press the keys my brain wanted them to.
But he did text back. About half an hour ago. Yes it was late, but it changed a great deal. Especially when I jumped as my phone buzzed. Especially when I was overcome with panic when I read the text. Especially when he explained himself. Then announced he was going to sleep. Then called me instead.
All this may seem like such a strange thing to blog, but it really has stuck on me. I spared him the pain of trying to stay awake as I spoke and after about 5 minutes told him I'd let him sleep. The poor dude was awfully tired and I could tell.
Unexpected text = restlessness restlessness + explanation = relief relief = happiness

This happiness is keeping me awake.

You know you're in love when you can no longer sleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.

Dr Seus

And so my pretties, I shall bask in this impractical, painful, distracting, yet oh-so-glorious, thing they call unrequited love.

Signing out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Knock 'em dead.

2008-07-14T17:25:00.000-07:00

Lordy, what a week.

You can do it, fight the demons in your head. Doesn't matter what anybody else said. This is your life, now is the time. Knock 'em dead...

Well starting points can be rocky, but sometimes things end with a bit of a bang. Literally. After a rather stressful weekend, a rather tense one at that, I am smiling and listening to a song called Knock 'em dead, which has a back track made up of gun shots.

This is my life, and now is the time. Now is the time where I have to take hold of the reigns and guide myself into the place I want to be. So much is changing so fast and now that I'm coming to accept that, I am realising that I need to be away. I need to travel and have distance to understand what to do next.
With that travel, with that distance, I get peace of mind to think through what my plan will actually be. I am going to take the next opportunity I have to go away at least for a few weeks. I doubt, however, this opportunity will be this year, but you never know.
This in mind, I can prepare for it. I can save money and keep a low profile as far as drama and family and friend feuds are concerned and I have to be doing well in college if I want to go anywhere, at least if I want to go with my mother's blessings.

For now though, all I have to think about is this wedding and when that is over, results day and college preparation. One step at a time, missy.

I appologize for the length, but I really am a rather busy chappette.

Signing out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Absence.

2008-07-06T18:42:00.000-07:00

Top of the morning to you, my pretties.

Today class, I would like to discuss the absence of someone or something and it's effect on our lives, our being.

Take something physical. The absence of a brain. Well obviously, one would not be able to function. At all. But say, we possessed a brain, but had no mind. Let's turn it over and poke and prod at that, shall we?
Well first of all, you might wonder what exactly I mean by the absence of a mind, as one would think that the mind came hand in hand with the brain. What I mean by the absence of the mind is the absence of the ability to think for oneself, to choose to live a certain way or to choose to live at all. One should still be quite able to move and to breathe and to live. In fact, one will be able to exist. But not live.
Without the ability to direct our own thoughts, where would we be? We would be robots, with no direction. We would simply exist with no purpose, or in fact, a purpose we had no choice in living for. One direction, one life, one people. Would this make things simpler? Certainly, but only because without a mind, one would not have the ability to decide whether it could be any simper than it was.

Okay, so now we have our minds back in our possession, as well as brains. We are now. Let us discuss how the absence of a person might affect us.

As previously discussed, the absence of a parent can have major effects on a child. It is commonly thought that these effects are of a negative nature, but I personally believe what may seem negative, could in fact be positive simply because it has effected someone in a way that it has made them who they are, who they were destined to be. Like myself for example. I seriously doubt I would be writing this blog right now if it wasn't for the fate of the marriage of my parents. However, I should never know that, but thanks to my mind, I can toss and turn and wonder.

Now on a slightly more personal matter, what about the absence of an individual that you feel provides you with love, hope, happiness, companionship and trust?

Well I must imagine that this would be awfully sad. If I was to lose my source of all things good, would certainly be devastated. However, going back to what was said previously, would this loss not contribute equally to the building of one's character? Would that not also make you who you are, who you were meant to be?

A wise man once said;;

The human mind is like a sponge. It absorbs it's surroundings, and when squeezed it pours out what it absorbed.

Everything that happens around us, that happens to us, it contributes to who we ultimately are. And so once again, it comes down to one thing. Let it ride. No expectations, no let downs. If we simply accept and move on, things will be so much simpler for us to live our lives how we all want to: happily.
I'm not suggesting that one should be stone and when something wrong happens, we should simply smile and move on. But don't let those things conquer you, or your precious mind.

Thank God, we do have minds. And although we possess something so powerful, it does not mean we should use them all the time. This is to say that we should not turn over every situation in which we are involved in our minds. Sometimes it's best to just let things occur and to just let yourself ride on.

No one said things were going to be smooth. When you're riding down this road called life, don't stop at every speed bump. Slow down, drive over it and carry on.

Signing off,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Changes.

2008-07-01T20:24:00.000-07:00

Hola mi Chiquillos.

It's strange how one can be so sure of something, and then in one moment, everything could change. It's 4.30am and I'm sat here on my laptop, typing away because I cannot sleep.

But back to the point. Changes.

We can live within our shells of lives and believe something, or force ourselves to believe something for so long, that it becomes our sole existance, it seems.
Love and loss. When one is in love with someone, we want to believe that it can last forever because it's right, we can feel that this time it's right. It is therefore worth fighting for.
But then fate decides to switch things up a bit.

It's not long before we are in different circumstances and we therefore have different views on our lives and how they should be and so making that thing work, well it doesn't seem right for it to be at the top of our to do lists anymore.

I've said it before and I shall say it again. No expectations, no let downs. The key is to let things ride and just live it. Don't plan everything in order to achieve "the desired effect". Life is more than a plan and an ending. Life is a journey.

Live as if you are a traveler because your surroundings and circumstances change. You might move on to the next place to explore, or you could leave for real. You could die. Anytime, anyplace.
What use is a plan with no outcome, no finality? Set yourself some simple rules and live your life how you want to live it in each moment.

Recognise, you shouldn't live sheltered lives. Lives lived by the book- by plans and lists. Live by preference. Recognise, sometimes you need to just embrace whatever is thrown in your way.
Take your stormy weather by the hand and lead it to the dancefloor. Sometimes, you just need to dance in the rain.

And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.

Abraham Lincoln

This one was for you Z.

Signing off,

That Emerald Umbrella X

When it rains;;

2008-06-26T13:35:00.000-07:00

Hello again.

This is me;;

when I have not

been under the shade of an Umbrella.

Anywho;;
Let's start in order, shall we?
So Tuesday rocked pretty hard. Loreto New Student's Day. Yeah that was awesome - for all the wrong reasons...
Well English Language started off rocky, but afterwards it pretty-much was awesome in the form of a 20 minute taster session of an AS level.
Media Studies. Well it's supposed to be good, isn't it? I was falling asleep! But that was more to do with the teacher. He stuttered and paced and was really jumpy. And the lights were down. I kept yawning.
Oh yeah, I didn't know anyone in any of those sessions.
Next was Government and Politics. Well I knew 1 girl there and we made friends with this other girl so that was okay I guess. But, I did feel strange there. Everyone else seemed to know so much more than I did! I kind of felt like Joan of Arc...in present day New York. Yeah, I know.

But, my pretties, the subjects were not in the very least the best part of the day. Oh and I should mention that I embarrassed myself when someone stepped on my skirt on the stairways and it ripped! Luckily I could cover the tear but Lordy, was I red.
And;; I WAS COMPARED TO A FICTIONAL ELEPHANT. Let me explain.

This is me [on the left], then.
And this is the popular fictional patchwork elephant, Elmer.

Yes, it was the scarf, apparently.

Anyway, back to why Tuesday was so great. There were so many east asian hotties! Gosh;; and there was one south asian with braids and man, was this guy killin' it with his style. Golly Gosh.

And today. Today I had a makeover and photoshoot and it was pretty awesome with the free blackcurrent juice and all. Oh yeah and I got a rainbow sherbet ice cream from Millie's. [Most likely the best flavour of ice cream ever]. Oh and I had to bus it back to Fallowfield and then walk from there to Levenshulme which is a 20 minute walk but;; it was pouring it down with rain. Hence, the images placed strategically above.

Okay;; maybe not strategically. I just wanted to use that word. All right my lovelies;; I must be off now - Gossip Girl shall be quite soon!

Thanks for the call S.

Signing off,

That Emerald Umbrella X

P.S Ooh and today's quote is:

"Ooh no, no, not me. Those two - not me."

Bhaji Sumerah when asked to leave the room. LOL.

The "It" Chick.

2008-06-22T17:18:00.000-07:00

I admit, I was one of those who would constantly judge others. In fact, I might still be.

You know how in every school, particularly High School, there is this one girl - every guy wants her, every girl wants to be like her. But, the catch is, she's openly "hated" by pretty much everyone.

It all began 3 years ago. There was this one girl, chubby, quiet, completely unknown and uninteresting. And then one day, she just wasn't. She got taller, thinner and she was all of a sudden beautiful. It wasn't long before she became the name upon everyone's lips.

You know the story, of course. She's constantly bitched about and there are always new rumours. Even her friends are completely dazed by her. This girl and I became friends just before her transition into the would-be super model she is took place. Initially, I didn't notice. It wasn't until we first fell out that I realised what was going down.

She is an amazing individual. She's beautiful, she's smart, she's caring and she can stand up for herself. She's a great friend, one of my best actually. She's just like everybody else, despite what people may say.

After observing her in her natural habitat, I've come to realise why it is that I love her so much. It is because, despite our many differences, of how we can connect with one another and how we can entertain each other. It's also because, although this may sound awfully self-pitying, she accepts me for who I am, just as I accept her for who she is, even though we really are very different.

The High School Clique rules state that she and I cannot be friends. She should pretty much run the school, whilst I busy myself with my odd-ball friends and organizing events, maintaining school spirit with all those who are not jocks or queen bees or any of that sort.

This blog is really just about my love for this friend, a celebration of our relationship and also a reminder to her, should she ever read this, that I am always available for her if she ever needs a shoulder to cry on, or simply to rest her arms on as she walks. [Personal Joke]

And today's quote;;

"I'll wait here forever, just to, to see you smile, 'cause I am nothing without you..."
With Me - Sum 41

I love you T, don't forget that.

Signing Out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

After;; Pixie Party.

2008-06-21T15:54:00.000-07:00

Hello again.

It is 11.54 and approximately 1 hour ago, the last of my friends left. Today I had a leaver's party, celebrating our long awaited departure from Levenshulme High School. It was a Pixie Party and so everyone who came was to dress like a fairy and have a fairy name. There was the Prom Pimp Fairy, Hoe Fairy, Lusty Fairy, Siamese Twin who's twin died during the procedure Fairy (her partner couldn't make it), Electri-Cute Fairy, Rainbow Fairy, Pyjama Fairy, Moody Fairy, Sugah Plum Fairy and I was the Forest Fairy.

I think, considering all that is scheduled to take place this summer, feeling the way I do right now is rather strange or in fact completely inevitable. You see, I should be spending lots of time with family right now, as everyone is going off in their separate ways after the summer. I have been ranting about how much I had to do before July to pretty much everyone and so people having a problem now really does bug me.

Take yesterday for instance, I was supposed to be going to my best friend's 16th birthday party and pretty much last minute, my family organised this big get-together down in Fleetwood. I, of course was expected to be there. Well no, I wasn't going to cancel on my best friend when her birthday had been planned so much ahead and also, last year I had to leave early because my family wanted me at the wedding of someone who I didn't even know. I was not having it. Of course, I get the whole sell-out speech from almost every family member and it really is unfair. Now a family get-together may not seem such a big deal, but my auntie who was hosting it is moving out of the country with her family in August and so this was a big deal.

I really cannot be arsed with any of my family right now because all they seem to do is piss me off, intentionally or not. There is a dinner tomorrow I should also attend, but yes, I have another wedding. I feel like I constantly have to choose between my family and friends and I really shouldn't even have to be put in this position, especially because I have been clearing my plans with EVERYONE for months. I even told all my friends that I would not be able to do anything after June, as I wanted to spend time with my Family before everyone gets off, just as I warned my family about planning things in June.

I really do have too much on my head right now and so this doesn't help, especially because even when they're not making me have to choose between my friends and them, they're getting to me in some other way, like through a discussion the other night.

Anyway, it's now 00.09 and I'm going to round this off with a quote now.

"Mother, don't, tell me friends are the ones that I'd lose, 'cause they'd bleed before you, sometimes family are the ones you'd choose..."

Who's to Say - Vanessa Carlton [again]

Signing out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Struggling with acceptance.

2008-06-19T18:33:00.000-07:00

Hello there,

I'm awfully wound up at this moment in time, listening to "Happily Never After" by Nicole Sherzinger. How can I feel so double-minded about people? I don't understand it at all.

I just want to be accepted and not looked down on as much as you all think I should be. I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm just saying that I'm not wrong, if that makes any sense...it does to me.

I don't know what I believe anymore...as I said yesterday, I believe that I believe in the One. Belief and knowledge are two different things. Right, I've switched to "Who's to say" by Vanessa Carlton now. Who's to say what I believe and what don't believe? Who's to say whether my pride is clouding my judgment and my thoughts? Nobody but me has that right.

It may be that I sound awfully teenage by agreeing with Vanessa about Family being the ones you choose sometimes. I know many people who have to go through what may seem worse that what I do with my family, but this is my personal struggle...or one of them anyway. How can I submit myself to a way of thinking when I don't fully have faith in it? I am not one to blindly follow. They say I think too much, the problem is simply that I think more than they do. I'm not saying that this is a good thing, because it certainly complicates things for me, but it is truth either way.

I recognise that I might sound awfully contradictory towards yesterday's post, but as I pointed out, yesterday's post was simply a compilation of thoughts which were scattered in my mind. It's unfair that one should think I have no right to choose my own path. I will be judged upon myself and upon my sins and good deeds and I commend all you for your efforts to get me to cross the bridge between my mind and yours, but you tried in vain and now it's time for you to let it lie.

This song is awfully empowering. One day soon, I will be the captain of my own ship and everyday I am rebuilding my strength ready to set sail. It's hard not having anyone to man the decks at this time, but this is what was meant for me, I believe.

Stand up boy, I shine so bright when you're around.

Missing you S.

Signing out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Scattered thoughts of a searching soul

2008-06-18T16:25:00.000-07:00

&& through it all

Can you hear the call?

Can you see that light in this eternal night

Ridin’ in your drop-top, laughing && you won’t stop

Enchanted by those stars above shinin’ bright

See, each star represents distraction, abstraction

From reality

A cause of contraction of faith

&& so simultaneously you’re ensuring your fate

Being refused from the Gate

Is this the destiny you see for you?

This is a letter to myself

A reminder

To continue to dig deeper

&& insha’Allaah one day soon I might find her

That is to discover the me I once knew

Before that doubt grew

&& I thought through everything I would do

Still recovering from my past mistakes

So I’m still struggling to make 5 times a day

&& time slips away

Time is slipping away.

Hello there.

Well this is exactly what I have named it;;

[[Scattered thoughts of a searching soul]].

I think first, I would like to explain the piece I have placed above, entitled "Through it all". I wrote this as a reminder to myself to keep searching for the soul I once knew. People and situations have affected me more than I knew these past few years and I want to find that passion I once had for my religion, Islaam. It is a reminder that despite all the change I encounter and experience within my life, my one constant should always be my faith.

A man praying amidst the chaos in Chechnya.

I believe that I believe in One, The One. I do not think that I doubt this as much as I think I forget to believe at some points in my life, if that makes sense. Because, although Islaam may not be an ideal way of life for many in this day and age, it has been to my aid in the past. It has inhibited any suicidal thoughts I have ever experienced, it has taught me patience leads to what should be and will be, for whatever Allaah eternally wills to be, will be and whatever Allaah eternally wills not to be, will not be. Islaam has helped me console a friend, aswell as help friends console me. Islaam has helped me deal with the absence of my father, as well as the trials and tribulations I have encountered in my life to do with other family members. All this and for some reason I still cannot push myself to pray 5 times daily, or to thank Allaah for all that I should be thankful for, such as the amazing, although sometimes agitating, family I have. [Alhamdulillah].

Also, what I'm about to say next may not make a lot of sense to people, but there are certain individuals who would understand exactly what this means, if they were ever to come across this blog.
Let me lay down my pride for a minute. I'm sorry you thought that I wasn't able to cater for your needs as a friend to me, if nothing else. I'm sorry that we had to part on such sour terms. I'm sorry that you believe this happened due to some fault of mine. But I am not sorry however, I now realize, that things are the way they are now. I am me and you are you and our mistakes make us just as our successes do.

I think after all that rambling, that I am going to round off today's post. I am 2 hours away from Fajr, so insha'Allaah I will pray it this time. So much change around me, it's time I change myself, better myself. On that note, I'm out,

Signing out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Summer, love.

2008-06-16T05:40:00.000-07:00

Well it is official, I suppose.

School's out, Summer is in. I can tell because it rains less now.

It's that awesome time of year when objects such as Sunglasses are commonly spotted, Vaseline is replaces with colourful lip gloss and children drip Ice Pops instead of hot chocolate with the whipped cream and the mini marshmallows. Yum.

But is it really so awesome? Personally, I prefer the winter. There's something enchanting about discoloured leaves littering the pavements and bare trees on a canvas of a icy blue sky. People are wrapped up shielding themselves from the sharp winds which cause their fair faces to turn pink and of course there is that wonderful snow which we sometimes are lucky enough to experience.

But it isn't my love for winter which provokes me to question the awesomeness of the Summertime. No, it is what the Summer does to people that makes me wonder.

Okay, being a teenager, the only problem I have with staying up late and partying is the day after. However, the dark circles under my eyes and the banging headache the next day isn't really enough to prompt me to give up my late nights and parties.

Considering there are no beaches too nearby and that this is England, where the Sun is not used for tanning, I'm going to take a pass at that.

Fall in love. See, this is where I rant. I'm a teenage girl, of course I'd love to fall in love. But for some reason, probably because of Grease, The Notebook and other stories like them, Summer is the time to fall in love, because inevitably, eventually, there will be a happy ending, right?

I wish. Being a South-Asian Muslim girl, I struggle in this department. I mean, I want that whole Cinderella Story, 5 minutes to midnight, hero/heroine, great escape, Edward && Bella type of fairytale romance, but realistically, that's not going to happen. (Especially 'cause Edward is a vampire and all...)

Many girls however, seem to believe it can. What I don't understand is, how they can put so much faith into something that doesn't last for the majority of the time. 'Cause that's what a girl wants, right? Romance and a good guy without commitment issues, right?

It's because they want the thrill. Temporary or not, they need that thrill to feel valid. The whir of excitement and feeling loved, that's what they need. Caught up in the season, they allow themselves to be whisked into the air, only to fall on their asses come September.

So girls, my advice is to make memories, just as the list said. I think it's stupid to try and hold back from something that could potentially hurt you, because if we did that, we'd be living in plastic bubbles which ain't all that safe anyhow. Make memories by chance though. If you fall in love, make it a love to remember and hope for the best.

šυиgłαššeš ... łıρgłøšš ... ı¢e ρøρz:
šυммeя, łøνe.

Signing out,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Family Fortunes

2008-06-11T15:59:00.000-07:00

Well it's been a few weeks, I know, and I apologize.

I've had exams and my last one is this Friday. It's going to be a real T.G.I.F moment.

I wanted to put forward a question of ethics;;

_________________________

If you know criminal, is it wrong to report them?

If they are an immediate family member, would your answer change?

If they have just barely been in your life, would you answer change?

Would it make you a terrible person, either way?

_________________________

Also, I wanted to discuss further, this thing we call Family.

William Shakespeare once said in "The Merchant of Venice":

It is a wise father that knows his own child.

And I agree completely. But then, how wise are any of our fathers? I know one thing.

My father is absolutely ignorant.

He ran off for his reasons, he put himself in a position where he would have no choice but to leave the life he had settled into. I blame him, guilty or not guilty.

However, he is not my father. I have no father, for he is simply a man. I too am ignorant, for I do not know him just as he does not know me.

It is in this, that me and my "father" have a lot in common. We are mutually existing, and mutual invalids. We are not affected by each other, nor do we affect one another.
There was a man, who I knew many years ago, who had the power to guide me, he had the power to command me, he had the will to raise me. He is lost somewhere in my memory and this is where he will stay, for all of time to come.

However, this figure is not the only fortune life has blessed me with. In taking one away, I was handed another. I do not know this woman who looks quite like my mother. Appearance aside, they have nothing in common.
My mother was a quiet, family mother, who spent rather a lot of time with her children and other relatives. She was loved greatly by many, including myself. She, like my father, is only to be found somewhere in my memory, and it seems as if she refuses to reappear.

It is, that my mother and father remain in my head only, still married, still a family.

And I am a child, lost.

Signing off,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Wedding Plans

2008-05-28T13:02:00.000-07:00

Well, things got me thinking...

Okay well first of all, I'm going through a major Justin and George Nozuka phase. Really. I either need to marry one of them or have the play at my wedding lol. Seriously.

If I gave you my life, would you let it slip, through your fingers like water in the desert? If I gave you my heart, in the deep of the night, would you hold it, like a candle, giving you light?

That's the song that has to play when that ring is on my finger.

I need the white/ivory dress. Simple. I need my hijaab/veil. Matching, of course. And I need the simple makeup. No gold/bronze tints. And no gold jewelery.

I want my nikaah done at the mosque with very little people there. Then I want to move outdoors and have slightly more people, but still intimate. We'll have the congratulations and the meal and the cake then, with a soundtrack of only an acoustic guitar (possibly a singer if I can get Nizlopi or one of the Nozuka brothers) and the sounds of the outdoors.

And then I'll go to my new home with my new husband and be happy. =]

But of course, it is required of me to first finish my GCSEs and and all of that stuff I'm not to bothered about and this is basically a repeat of yesterday's blog. It just goes to show, I'm rather obsessed...

I also need to have a bit of a rant now. What is it with teenagers? William Shakespeare has an extremely bad effect on kids today. I mean all these little kids want to pull some Romeo & Juliet crap! I mean come on, you can live a little longer. I just got off the phone with a friend who went and told her boyfriend she was about to commit suicide because she will be getting engaged to some other guy her family chose. Romeo & Juliet had like what, a few days? Kids don't know nothing about life yet and they so quick to want to take it away. Grow up before you decide you can't live without someone because more often than not, that person you can't live without will eventually be nothing but a memory of you sadder, darker times.

Signing Off,

That Emerald Umbrella X

Come in out of the rain...

2008-05-27T12:01:00.000-07:00

This is a new one.

I began my initial blog because I was going through some stuff and it helped me to vent. I deleted it because I decided I needed to rethink my path in life and now, here I am.

I guess this is the mark of a new beginning for me because this year is a very important year to me. Not only am I leaving high school and starting college in September, but I am leaving behind a whole routine, a whole way of life which I am so used to.

Summer '08, baby. Gonna be hectic.

And it will. I think it's about now that I should quote some song lyrics. Recently I watched one of my favourite movies from my childhood. Watching the movie provoked me into downloading the theme song.

"Whatever you imagine, can one day come to be. There are dreams to awaken, roads to be taken, follow them and they'll set you free..."

No song has ever affected me more than this. It really does sweep me up and make me dream about not only the impossible (flying carpets, reaching out and grabbing a star and the like), but also the possible.

This song gives me hope. I can pass my GCSEs. I can pass my A-Levels. I can graduate from university. I can get married to an amazing individual. I can live happily in Florence with them.

Also, do any of you watch "How I met your mother"? I love it. It's funny, Barney is a legend and there is so much I want that's in it:

Nothing good happens after 2am. This was said by Ted's mother and she's so right. Nothing good ever happens after 2am. If it's 2am, just go to sleep already.

Th Olive Theory. Yeah okay, it was based on a lie but it worked because they believed it. He hates olives and she's loves them. So she eats his olives and everyone's happy. But he loves her enough to let her believe that he doesn't like olives throughout their whole relationship simply because it matters to her.

And the wedding. Wow, the wedding. Outdoor, intimate amidst many trees. Just the close family and few friends there. With that acoustic guitar playing in the background. My dream wedding...if you add a waterfall or two.

Wendy Moten's "Whatever you imagine" and "How I met your mother" both portray what it is I want out of my life.

I can get there, right?

Signing off,

That Emerald Umbrella X

The Shade Under the Umbrella

Balancing Acts.

Deserted Desires.

Brick By Fucking Brick.

...and then she cried.

Deja Vu.

Don't Follow Me;; I Don't Know Where I'm Going.

Writers Block

Wild Times So Far Behind.

Architcture;; Interior Design && Remodeling.

This Thing We Call Life.

Chipped Nail Polish.

Fallen.

No Music;; Part II

Move Along && Sing A New Song

Respectable, Regretable && Of Course Acceptable.

Fashion /ˈfæʃən/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [fash-uhn]

Do Somethin' Crazy.

Hands.

La Secreto Acro Iris De Vida

Gosheth.

The Need

Make Me Acceptable.

Runaway;; Regardless.

17 Always

Hateration, Horrible Feelings && Hyperness.

Frustration, Realisation && Emancipation...

If I Ruled The World?

No music.

Kick, Push && Coast...

Cba.

17 Forever.

Don't Be A High School Drop Out

Blergh.

For The Sake of My Sanity

Truth.

The Thank You

Lollipops;; Candy Canes && Other Sugar-Coated Stuff.

Back Up;; Back Off;; Back To My Back To Your Back

Unsure;; Really.

Tidy Home;; Tidy Head.

Relevance, I suppose.

Trax :]

Lost at Sea.

Danger;; stranger.

Moving On?

Chorez, Borez, Snorez && Whorez;;

Bitchin', Butterflies && Breathlessness...

Gosh;; Shocks && Expectations.

Loverian...?

Relationships From Hell

If we make it...

Results Without Answers

Raindrops, Wounds && Time.

Sleepless in the sofa-bed.

Knock 'em dead.

Absence.

Changes.

When it rains;;

The "It" Chick.

After;; Pixie Party.

Struggling with acceptance.

Scattered thoughts of a searching soul

Summer, love.

Family Fortunes

Wedding Plans

Come in out of the rain...

Fashion [fash-uhn]